Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma made me sad

I just got home from seeing Jane Schoenbrun's Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma, and I have some feelings. Not about the movie itself, but about how it made me feel. It made me feel seen and made me feel lonely.

I wasn't surprised to see parts of myself in the protagonist Kris, played by Hannah Einbinder, but what I was surprised to see was her struggles with sexual arousal. The film is all about desire, which I was unaware of going in, so this threw me off.

I related so hard to Kris feeling too in her head and not being able to get off and thus shutting herself off from it and choosing to just say she's bad at sex. That's me. I have had 3 partners over the course of my life, and I don't believe I have ever climaxed with any of them. I don't think I've ever climaxed alone either. Seeing Billy Presley (Gillian Anderson) work with Kris and encourage her to give in to her desires and not feel ashamed of them made me feel like I want someone like that in my life. Someone to gently coach me through discovering myself and exploring sexual desires. Seeing Billy do that makes it feel tangible, like it's possible to get that, but I feel so alone, and the possibility of having someone like that feels impossible.

The film Carol came out in 2015 when I was 19 years old. It became my go-to queer movie and helped solidify my desire for an older woman. This movie just made the yearning for an older woman ever more so intense, and it's really made my loneliness come to the forefront of my mind.

I don't really know what this is, and if you've gotten to this point, thank you for reading. I just feel so seen and so lonely at the same time from this film, and I just needed to write it out and hopefully give myself some feeling of catharsis.

If this movie made you feel something too, feel free to comment. It's a good film. It's worth seeing, especially for sapphics.