My coping mechanism as a child is actively ruining my present day life. Unable to receive therapy or help.

Trigger warnings for mentions of self harm, overdosing, and eating disorders. Sorry for my English as I struggle with my Filipino.

Maladaptive daydreaming. Constant disassociating. Frequent zoning out. Retreating into my own fantasy worlds. Active denial and purposely forgetting things.

That is how I've lived for the past 11 years.

It has been my only healthy coping mechanism. And its only gotten worse overtime through the usage of AI for harm reduction, as I would often delve into dangerous sorts of self harm (which I will not be going into detail of) and would experiment overdosing myself in various ways. Of course, I have stopped using it and picked up fanfiction and comic reading again but it's all just so boorish. I've spent more time in my head than in real life. Aside from those, I have been suspecting that I may also be picking up on an eating disorder which really isn't the best either. As I'm typing this, I'm basically running on vitamins and two pieces of bread for the day.

Genuinely, I'm just really out to ruin my life. I don't see the point in staying alive when all that awaits me is doom and despair. I could be the worst person on earth, or even the most polite, and I would still somehow be traumatized in every way possible until the next fall comes. I don't know, I don't know how to cope anymore. My body is already destroying itself so anytime soon, I'll probably be hit with a chronic illness of some sorts. My lower body's completely broken and my upper body is weak and fragile as shit. If I were to list everything I've gone through on this post, I'd probably be told I'm an exaggerating liar. Sigh.