Poll about boundaries with friends of the opposite sex

TLDR; What are your boundaries in your relationship about being friends with the opposite sex. Are you comfortable with your partner having friends of opposite sex? Does it change things if they used to be romantically involved? Are there limits on what is “ok” to talk about like can they vent about your relationship issues to friend of opposite sex to get their perspective? Can they only talk about regular friend interests and not about your relationship? Etc.. I want to hear what others are doing. Emotional cheating can be very damaging so making sure there are ground rules so it doesn’t happen… or at the very least so that your partner is not uncomfortable.

My bf is [48M] and I am [43F]. We have been together for 2 years. We had sort of a rocky start, but have a pretty solid foundation now and I’m wanting to keep it that way. I got sensitive recently when my bf was giving advice on Reddit and told the poster that she can private message him for more advice if she likes— he was genuinely just trying to help someone, but it triggered insecurity due to past things that happened— very distant past. He has not given me any reason not to trust him for a long time and has shown me his devotion in many actions since. But.. it was advised to us to discuss and come to a consensus about what is appropriate communication and what isn’t, on both sides, for the future so that we don’t have to worry or have threats to our foundation.

I know there isn’t one “right” answer but thought it good to get different perspectives because when we tried to dial down what the expectations for the future are with this, nuances came into play that I honestly didn’t know the answer to. There are nuances cuz he likes having female friends.. he likes getting female perspectives. I like having male friends… and like getting male perspectives. My late husband didn’t like me having male friends. I thought this insecurity was silly cuz I’m as loyal as it gets BUT he was my priority so I cut off all male friendships. I chose to do this cuz his comfort was more important than carrying on with male friends. But, it was easier cuz he didn’t have female friendships or care to have any either. So we literally never had this concern or worry cuz the variables weren’t part of the equation. Lol.

So one thing that did come up as a boundary was that I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with him talking about our relationship with an ex-gf he still chats with. I honestly didn’t have any issues with him being friends with her until she said and did some sus stuff more recently— hence why I came up with “well I’m cool with you talking to her about mundane stuff.. just not about any negative stuff about us.” He was ok with that. One thing that came up on my end was I asked him if a male friend could come to karaoke with me then crash on my couch since we would be drinking. This made him uncomfortable, so I was like, “No problem. Won’t do it.”

So nuances that came up when we tried to dial it down…

“is it ok to talk to a friend of the opposite sex about our relationship problems to get their perspective if there is no romantic history?”

“Is it ok to talk to a friend of the opposite sex about our relationship in general— minus specific problems?”

“Is it ok to rehash with an ex about your relationship you had with them for closure purposes?”

The thing that I brought up about talking to the opposite sex about your relationship is that you never know what friend might be secretly pining for you so will give you self serving advice. Cuz I’ve had male friends in the past a couple times have a crush on me and I was completely oblivious until I was single and they shot their shot. Lol. So with that in mind; it’s hard to even know which wolf in sheep’s clothing you might be venting your relationship issues to.

Basically, I just like transparency and told him I follow the personal rule of, “if I have to hide this from my partner, I shouldn’t be doing it.” I would hand over my phone at any moment. If I had to hide things; it would literally make me sick to my stomach. My late husband and I didn’t have a need to hide anything from each other… we basically had no conflict and I think earning each other’s trust, being transparent, loyal, etc. played a huge role in that. So with transparency in mind; I thought “well if I just know you are talking to this chick or that and the context, then I’m cool with it.” Like he talks with a female coworker a lot— I know that they just BS and joke about work shit as far as I know, so I’m like whatev. As far as the Reddit thing… I think had I just heard from him, “hey.. this chick was asking advice on something I’m expert in so I invited her to DM me if she has more questions. That’s cool with you right?” Instead of my just coming upon his comment, then I would’ve just been like “oh ok cool— that’s nice of you. No prob.” I just don’t feel like stuff should ever be hidden from a partner. I feel like there should never be a conversation being had that you feel you need to hide.

So what do y’all have as your boundaries with having friends of the opposite sex? Again, it is only a question cuz there is a distant sus history…. And we both like having friends of opposite sex. I totally get how when these variables aren’t part of the equation; it is more simple. With that in mind, perspectives of peeps with these variables are most helpful.

Another thought I had was… it’s okay to chat with the opposite sex if it’s just mundane, friend stuff and if you do talk about the relationship; only positive stuff. Any negative or questionable stuff about the relationship, we only talk to the therapists about. I don’t care at all what he says to his male friends cuz I feel like there’s no threat on that.. they aren’t pining for him in a romantic way. Lol.