Saturday

Chewing my pencils,
Chewing my pencils
Pulling my ears.

I am looking for
an entry point but
no conversations want me.
I feel transparent
Like a radiotower projecting
In all directions.

I want to be invisible,
I want to be seen.
I want to be liked.

I want to hideaway
in an empty corner.

Cigarettes, cigarettes,
yellow fingers —
how many cigarettes can I smoke
in one night?

Shes talking to me
eyes searching,
for a friend.
I’m bouncing words against a wall.

Stiff shoulders feel even stiffer
as I try so hard
to let go.

I’m a cold mannequin
in a room full of jelly.

What if I’m
an anomaly…
on the assembly line?
I feel unreal
Like a well dressed imposter.

I’m folding in on myself
neither in the conversation
to my left
nor my right.

When I’m roaming I am lost
but
when I’m seated I’m alone.

I wish
I was too small
to be seen.
I wish I was too big
to ignore.

My bladders empty
but my mind is full so I go
to the toilet to drain it,
but when I leave
I feel no relief
so I keep coming back
again and
again
and again.

Everyone’s laughing now.
I am laughing too
without sound.
I am clapping
but I didn’t even see the show.
I am checking the time
but my watch is broken.

I look around all I see are
beautiful faces.
Everyone here looks like
an explosion.
She has red hair
like dynamite.
He has a smile
like a machine gun.
I am selling compliments
like snake oil.

Everything is shining.
I am turned off.

I’m pacing now
throwing half smiles
at half friends.

I am looking for the stairs,

I am not brave.

One foot

is out the door.

I am looking back,

It is raining,

Am I leaving?

I am leaving.

I am gone.