Dad Was Hospitalized. Triggered and Suicidal

My 70-year old dad is in the hospital for a kidney issue. I don’t have a ton of information, other than that he’s been there for a couple of days and might have to get a catheter. It’s been hard to get ahold of my parents. He was hospitalized for a severe panic attack that made him unable to speak not long before that.

I feel triggered and am having PTSD from April 2023, when my dad was hospitalized after his suicide attempt. I was the one who found him, and I called the man I was dating at the time for help. He literally saved my dad’s life. I fell in love with this man. I really thought I found my soulmate. He gave me an engagement ring. But he was highly abusive toward me. He was much older than I was and put me through some serious psychological warfare.

All of that trauma affected nearly every part of my life. I failed my first year of grad school and gave people a terrible impression of who I was because I was barely functioning. And that was only part of what I went through, because I went through a lot more during the following three years. For a long time, it felt like every time I tried to get back up, I was knocked down again. Sometimes, I still feel that way.

I’ve healed a lot since then, but I still struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts sometimes. My last suicidal crisis was only a couple of weeks ago.

One of the main reasons I haven’t killed myself is because I know it would destroy my dad. He would lose his mind and go into psychosis, probably. He would probably die of heartbreak. However, if my dad doesn’t make it, I don’t have to worry about his well-being if I kill myself. Idk. I keep trying to be excited about my future and work hard, but I’m just so tired.