Lately ive been feeling so alone, before this i would just be scared and totally refuse relationships because after my last (and first) relationship of almost 3 years, i got totally destroyed, he abused me and manipulated me and etc and i thought that was love.

Now that I opened my eyes ive been thinking maybe i should be aroacw by choice for my own good cause im too scared to ever depend on anyone ever again or to feel the way i felt before, but lately i've been craving love, i want to be loved i want to have a partner but at the same time im still a bit scared, what if no one likes me? What if i find another sick person who just wants to hurt me and use me?

 I feel like a pussy and also while i thought i was aroace i declined my best friend's offer because she wanted to be my girlfriend and i told her i didnt wanna, also i dont feel attracted to her so im not gonna have a relationship with her and give her hope, the last thing i wanna do is hurt her.

So im also scared to tell her that maybe im not aroace.

At this point i dont even know what im attracted to anymore my last relationship fucked me up so much he manipulated me into saying i was gay and while i was fully aware i liked women too, i do like boys too but after that i feel disgusted by the idea of having a male partner, idk this is all so confusing and by the way i dont hate either males or females im just throughly traumatized.

i thought that everyone wanted to hurt me but i just saw a video of a girl saying how she broke up with her girlfriend cause she dederved better and that everyone is allowed to set up boundaries and while watching the video i realized that maybe i should fear less cause at the end of the day its up to me to choose to continue being in a relationship or not and that there are probably people out there that might actually care for me and not abuse me or hurt me or possess me.

Anyways if you've read this thank you so much for caring enough, I love you 🫂💛

Im still scared of love, coca de sant joan