This has been the worst month of my life

I’m not sure if this is the right place to post but I have been dating an alcoholic (recovering on/off) for a few years and now I’m starting to believe I have an issue as well.

I am currently 3 months postpartum and have been dealing with PPD/PPA. “Partner” and I got into a big blow out fight at the beginning of the month because I came home drunk, we got into an argument, I had a mental breakdown and essentially wanted to kill myself. Instead of consoling me, he slapped me and things got very intense to where cops were called and he ended up going on a bender and ended up with a DUI. After that he apologized for essentially not being there for me and that he’s done drinking and that he’ll be there for me and our baby more. Which it’s been going great, obviously I still love him a lot and I really hope that this does work out but I am still super apprehensive. It’s hard to fully trust someone who reacted with violence at my lowest point. Yes, I shouldn’t have been drunk and I took whatever he said too personally and just spiraled.

Fast forward to this past weekend, I go out with my friends again. Which is probably so stupid knowing what happened before but it was my friends birthday and I truly don’t do anything besides caring for our baby. I made sure with my baby’s father multiple times that it was okay and he said it was fine, which of course we got into it a little bit on the morning of. But ultimately I end up going and I tell myself not to get too drunk.

It was a lot of fun! We were drinking and dancing and my friend was having a great birthday, then next thing I wake up in my bed naked. My body was so sore and something didn’t feel right. I immediately apologized to him saying that I shouldn’t have drank that much and if I did anything crazy. Which thankfully I didn’t, I just walked in and went to bed. He said he struggled with getting me to scoot over and I started talking shit but knocked out.

Now to this morning, my friend tells me everything that happened on our night out. She has this friend that I’ve been out with a few times before. In no way shape or form am I attracted to this man at all. But i guess we made out, he kept trying to sit me down on his lap but then ig I kept going towards him too to dance. Then my friends girlfriend started yelling at him to stop being a creep and that he’s taking advantage of me. And then ig I had a big fall that resulted in so so sooooo many bruises.

I am truly so fucking ashamed of myself. There is so many layers to this. All I know is that I need to stop drinking as well. But I am also afraid that this is going to affect everything. Like did I get assaulted??? Am I letting shitty behavior from men go because I feel ashamed? Should I tell my baby’s father what happened?? And should I even be with him though?? Or am I truly the one at fault for all of it??? I know that I definitely have a lot of culpability in this. I’m a mess right now, and I’ve never had an issue with drinking but I can see this becoming so dangerous. I need to do better for my baby.