Questioning, trying it out, but really scared

Hey, y'all.

Sorry if this all seems a little disorganized. I feel like I'm in a whirlpool.

I come here hoping for some guidance or clarity as I work through some of this. I started questioning years ago, and, it's a little silly, but I heard a creator I watch say something along the lines of "You have one guaranteed life, so you better live it authentically. You owe that to yourself" during a debate about queer/trans identity.

I don't think I'll go into my whole life story, but I'm willing to talk about it somewhat if it comes up in the comments. It's just that I'm almost 30, I have a career, I live in Arkansas, and I'm horrified of the prospect that I would kneecap everything I've built for me and my wife if I pursue being a woman. Honestly, it makes me tear up just thinking about it. I feel scared.

I publicly present very masc currently, but I'm "trying out" a transfemme identity online and with my friends to see if that feels right (or maybe that's how I'm framing it so I don't completely break down, not trying to reduce identity to something that can be tried on like clothes). I've waited 20 years to be honest with myself, so, as a literature nerd and librarian, I thought the name Penelope would be fitting. I... think it is? I like how versatile it is. Lots of nicknames. Penny, Poppy, Pippa, Ellie, Nellie, Lola. If I transitioned at work, enough of those sound professional enough to keep everyone from having to say a whole 4-syllable name all the time.

All that to ask, is it always this soul-crushingly hard? Is this even worth pursuing? I feel like an idiot, but I keep excusing ignoring it as "I wouldn't even be pretty, so is it worth it?" Could I just keep living as a guy? (but now that I've admitted it to myself, it feels like Pandora's Box... er, jar, actually, but beside the point)

I guess I feel like I just need to talk about it to other folks that have gone through it, if that's alright.