I gave it one final chance. Things only got worse.

I should’ve been dead by the end of July. I decided to wait, because I wanted to see my few friends, one more time. They’re all gone now, they all managed to leave to actual universities while I’m still stuck in my small, conservative town, alone. I couldn’t get into the dorms at my community college, so I’m stuck at home. Since I was waiting anyway, I tried to see if things would get better, but they didn’t. I’m alone for real now, my parents keep divorce-baiting me with this will they, won’t they bullshit. I just can’t do it anymore. I’m still autistic, trans, mixed and ugly, and there just isn’t much future for me. The world keeps getting worse, my life keeps getting worse and it might just be better if I was dead.

I don’t know how to function as a person, I still don’t have a job, I struggle to talk to people. I hate the way I look, I’m so ugly I can’t hardly stand to see myself in the mirror. I’ve wished to be a white, cis man since I was fucking 11 but I never will be. No one will ever desire me outside of a fetish. I want to start medically transitioning at least but I’m broke and live in a small, conservative town where people will recognize me and ridicule me. It just all really sucks. I’ve had a long time to think on this, I’ve been debating for months. This is my last straw I think, I don’t have anything left to give.

I bought the pills through amazon, so my parents won’t question the package. I’ll act normally till they arrive, even if I would really like to just sleep and be left alone. I think I’ll blow all of my money on stuff online, since I won’t need it much longer anyway. This is my third post here since June, I don’t really expect to hear much back, I just want to get it out. I am a sad, bitter person and I’ll die a sad bitter person. I’m really tired.