My mom’s interest in my love life annoys the hell out of me.

Hi. F20.

So, my mother gave custody of me on my twelfth birthday unexpectedly, sent me to a different country after I’d lived with her all my life and I was told by my father at the airport that I was to live with him. Those were how my teen years started. I add this context to explain the fact that I haven’t really experienced being a teenager/young woman around my mother.

I finally saw my mother in person again after many years about a year ago. I’m going to go visit her for a second time now, and I’m going to stay with her in the country she’s living in for a month. We talk daily on the phone nowadays, especially more often considering the fact that I’m going to visit her.

I’m not used to having an older woman figure in my life, at least not in the ‘mom’ way. My stepmother was always super hands off, and more of a friend character than someone who disciplined me.

When I first saw my mother (as an adult), she practically freaked at the way I dress. She wasn’t happy, she had a lot of things to say, and still has a lot (she doesn’t EXACTLY slut shame me, she’s progressive, but…we’d still argue about my outfit before we left the house as if I’m 15). Which, isn’t entirely new to me because I do dress a little out there, but it’s particularly grating coming from my mom, for some reason. There’s always a ‘your makeup’s patchy today’ or..’are you sure you wanna wear that?’. Anyways it has a special way of getting under my skin, making feel oddly pathetic and stupid in the decisions I make fashion wise. I dunno how she gets to me so easily. But this trails into the fact that sometimes, because I dress sexy, I tend to get some attention. This brings on other questions…

‘Why don’t you have a boyfriend?’
‘Do you like anyone here?’
‘Do you like anyone at the moment?’
‘Did you see anyone cute last night?’
And my least, least least least favourite…
‘I think a boyfriend would regulate a lot of the emotional issues you’ve been through as a child’

UGH.

It makes me lash out at her like a teenager. I know her intentions aren’t to be judgy, but when I try to express to her that I feel she feels I’m peculiar for not having a boyfriend she immediately tells me I’m attacking her and I’m being too defensive. She won’t let me have a conversation about how I feel and it’s frustrating! She always shuts down any confrontation from me with a tired and defeated sigh as if I’d just cursed her out and then the conversation is just over?

Not to mention, I made the mistake of telling her I like older men once and now she finds a way to tell literally ANYONE we meet about it, and how repulsive and quirky my tastes are. It’s exaggerated by the fact that I have a super bad baby face, it makes me look like a total creep every time!!!

….but, for context, (which I do NOT talk about with my mother) it HAS been about two years since I’ve had a proper boyfriend, which wasn’t even that long term. But in full honesty I’ve had fun sometimes going on dates and not progressing into anything that serious yet.

Anyways, I just fought with her about it. I know she’s just excited for me to be in love in whatnot, but it inherently embarrasses me when I have to explain to my mother that I don’t like everyone and if I want to get into a relationship I will. I want to be clear with the fact that she never outwardly does it in a way that’s like ‘why don’t you get a boyfriend now?!’. The questions feel casual, but I’m still embarrassed, and always annoyed at them.

Again, I feel like those teenage girls who are catty with their mom. I’ve never experienced this and I dunno who’s being annoying in this situation. I don’t know how to deal with it.

Advice?