I feel horrible

About who I am, I’m 16 but I’ve done the most pathetic and disgusting stuff and I’m mean, I’m so so mean to everybody. If God is real I know he’ll never forgive me and I’ve doubted his existence my whole life because I’m jealous, everyone tells me they got signs from him, I never did, are they all crazy or does he just hate me, what is wrong with me I feel like I’ve been cursed since birth, I feel so horrible for putting this religious facade up in front of my family, I don’t feel God, I don’t think he’s real but what if he is and I’m going to hell for all the stuff I’ve been saying and doing