Stuck in a state of avolition.

I spent 9 years with severe anxiety, it was my elementary school, and trust me, it was bad, I am 19 and not quite healed yet. I went there introverted but otherwise fully confident, and came out like a dog kicked one too many times, suffered with depression as well and had half the basic hygiene. I only had good school schedule because my mom made that the first priority, I also had no help because I never spoke up to her until it was too late, and even then, she is emotionally immature. I asked my younger sister to sort out stuff with teachers instead of me, tried to avoid special activities, and my mom sorts everything out for me to this day.

I am better since high school regarding anxiety, since the environment wasn't nearly as hostile, but I still have chronic stress and my main coping mechanism has become telling myself that if anything goes wrong, I can always end it. This has helped me with not worrying as much, but I lost myself, I don't have the dreams and goals I used to, I want to be admired, go to the gym, look cool, you know, but I also want to be pitied, for someone to acknowledge that I have had it the worst. This is probably because all my attempts to communicate get shut down with people, my mom especially, saying she's had it worse.

Because of this mindset that I build, I spend all my free time in bed, couldn't go grocery shopping if asked to, and commonly zone out, I'm not present anymore, I solve problems by waiting them out. Once a month I get a burst of motivation, I went shopping for clothes with my mom a couple times, got two new outfits, although I still repeat just one that became my favorite. I also felt confident in it enough to go to the gym for the first time with my dad, but it wasn't enough to stick, especially since I rely on him having time.

I have no hope left, give me everything you've got.