I would be very happy if you could answer

Hello. I am not schizophrenic, but I experienced psychosis for five years. During my psychosis, I experienced systematic delusions and paranoia, but I never had any hallucinations.

I experienced my first paranoid episode when I was 17. I thought that the cats in the park underneath my apartment building were actually people from school whom I disliked. When I was 18, my delusions started. I believed that a boy from school had hacked my phone, had people on motorcycles follow me, and had some people at my faculty listen in on my phone. I also thought that people I encountered at university who said things similar to things I had talked about on my phone were somehow listening to my phone.

Because of my delusions, I became withdrawn and stopped communicating with people. Despite my psychosis and major depression, I graduated in four years from a good university, from a demanding program like law school.

After I finished university, I started having panic attacks. I was experiencing several panic attacks a day as well as hypervigilance. I think this lasted for about four months. This situation made my psychosis worse. I started experiencing paranoia 24/7. I became paranoid that I would be poisoned, harmed, or that someone would cast spells on me.

I eventually went to a psychiatrist, who prescribed me an antidepressant and an antipsychotic. However, this constant, 24/7 state of paranoia continued for months.

There is also something else I should mention. In my country, a new requirement was introduced that you have to pass an exam in order to complete the mandatory legal traineeship required to become a lawyer. I could not pass the exam while I was in this condition. I had absolutely no motivation to study, and honestly, I still don't.

I am under pressure from my mother and older sister to pass the exam as soon as possible and start working in the public sector. This was putting me under even more stress.

This summer, I got into a relationship, and my boyfriend and I meet every few days. Since I still live with my family, I have to ask my parents for permission. Tomorrow, I wanted to go swimming at the beach with my boyfriend. But my mother and father kept pressuring me, saying that it would not be possible and that this was not a normal thing to want.

I had been holding so much inside for so long that I finally exploded. I told them that I had experienced psychosis and major depression partly because of the genes I inherited from them, that my university life had been terrible because of my paranoia, that I had been under stress 24/7, that I had no friends, and that I also had the right to have fun and enjoy my life.

However, because I never experienced hallucinations, my mother and father did not take my psychosis seriously. They told me that my university life had been bad because of me, that I had chosen to become withdrawn, and that anyone could become paranoid.

I was also only able to see a psychiatrist for seven months, and even though I went only once a month, my family seemed to have a problem with even that. They can easily afford to pay for psychiatric care.

I brought this up as well. I told them, "People see psychiatrists once a week for problems much smaller than mine, but even though I went through psychosis, I scheduled my psychiatric appointments four months apart because that was what you wanted."

I said a few more things, and then the argument ended.

Now I want to ask you something. Please be objective: Do you think I am stuck in a victim mentality?

After experiencing psychosis and major depression for years, am I lazy because I did not immediately start studying after graduating?

I am just tired, and I want to take care of myself for a while.