I have only ever known narcissists. How will I survive?

The first narcissist I loved was my mother. Her supply from me was parentification.

The 2nd was my childhood best friend. Her supply from me was pre-learned people pleasing and fawning characteristics.

The 3rd is my husband. His supply from me is the same as my best friend + the added layer of sex.

I feel used and abused, beat down and destroyed. I have blended myself for so long into others wants/needs that I have no clue who I am, what I like, what I dislike. I have no autonomy. And the worst part is that I know and I can’t seem to push myself to do anything about it.

Leaving feels cruel. Cruel to abandon someone who needs me. Even when my mind screams at me that I’m really abandoning myself.

I’m feeling very triggered since this past weekend and I have not been able to shut my mind off. My husband got drunk, as usual every weekend when he’s off work, and he tried to drink and drive as he’s done so many times in the past. And every time I have to stand outside in the driveway, barefoot and beg him not to go. This isn’t new but for some reason it really affected me differently this time. I was genuinely scared. I’m not scared that he would hurt me, but that his blatant disregard for any responsibility in life always falls to my shoulders. I have had to manage him our entire marriage. Manage our finances, manage his drinking, manage his life, manage his emotions and ego. And the kicker is he genuinely doesn’t even see it. He doesn’t see any of it. My suppression, my anxiety, my fears, the fact that I cannot even stand him.

I’m angry at my mom for teaching me this was normal.
I’m angry at my best friend for using it to her advantage.
I’m angry at my husband for not even caring.
I’m angry at myself most of all for allowing it.