Anyone else so afraid all the time that you don't even know what joy feels like anymore?

I am relatively content with my life, graduated college, got the job, got a car, have a bf, and a roof over my head.

But I'm petrified every day. There is nothing that isn't tainted by the anxiety.

I've tried countless meds. I've tried therapy. Nothing changes.

I don't even fight it, I live my life despite being afraid. I go to work. I go out. I do new things. I do old things. I hang out with coworkers and family and my bf. I talk to people. But I am afraid. Always afraid.

I can be having a panic attack and hold a conversation you would never even know, unless I cry, sometimes theres tears involved, but if not, you can't tell. Idk what else to do, I just have to keep going with the anxiety.

I know it's not the end of the world. The anxiety can exist. I've been living for years like this. But I wonder, is this just going to be how I am? Will I die younger because my nervous system wrecked my body? There is no way this much fight or flight is good for you.

I don't know what safety feels like. It's been 9 long years since I've felt safe. Is there anyone out there who understands? Who can hear me? Am I stuck like this?