I’ve been faking (it) my whole relationship

Hi strangers here is my TMI, thoughts?

My boyfriend and I have been dating since High school. We are both in our early 20’s now. It’s been roughly three years of us dating, we have broken up before. Mainly due to him needing to mature and me needing to find myself again. Overall, he treats me great. We never get into fights and he is always there to support and care for me. But I feel like when it comes to my sexual needs he doesn’t listen to me.

It honestly started at the beginning of our relationship. I was young, I didn’t know any better as he was my first and I only had bad experiences with men (SA) previously to this. I’ve never been great and speaking up for myself. But I do say what I need and want, I just don’t scream or yell about it. I don’t think there is a need to. The problem with sex at the start is he wanted it all. of. the. time. Even though I had mentioned I’ve been used before and so behaviors like this genuinely make me sad. There would be times where I tell him a goal I wanted to complete (EX: cleaning my room) so I would start cleaning my room and then he would start feeling me up with the goal of having sex. I told him I don’t like the idea of porn. He was watching it all of the time and I had no idea. This made sense to me later because of the things he was requested all of the time. Maybe I am vanilla but I don’t like butt stuff. I’ve explained it before but he unintentionally would ask me to do those things. It’s like he doesn’t think about the things I’ve told him?

Our last breakup happened because one night we got extremely drunk. (For some backstory: the night previous he had asked me if I liked anal. I told him honestly not really? It kind of hurts. I expected what I said to be enough.) I had blacked out the night we were drinking. I only knew we had sex. But I woke up feeling really gross and I didn’t know why. When I used the bathroom without going into detail is when I knew he had done anal on me. So I started questioning him about what happened last night because I don’t remember anything. He said what we did, my conclusions were right. I mentioned what I had said the night previous and that I feel really gross about it. It takes me a while to process my feelings so I kinda blew it off in the moment. Later that day I caught him opening up safari to just straight ass on his screen (Porn hub) now yet again another moment where I had no idea he was watching it. I ended up breaking up with him 3 days later after multiple conversations of me sobbing because of how frustrated I was with not being listened to and being lied to again.

Mind you I didn’t know how I felt about porn, I don’t love the idea of it. I know that, but I knew how he felt about it and previous to me finding out he would go on random splurges on how he thought it was cheating. So I went with his morality on this one.

Now to today: we live together now and again if we removed sex, sexual anything. Everything is good. This is what gets me the most. He is impatient when it comes to my needs in bed. It feels like he’s trying to dj to a heavy metal song. I will tell him to slow down and he will for maybe 30 seconds-1min and then will go right back to it. It’s been this for years and I honestly have given up on it. I’ll tell him I like his hands and he does it for 30sec and changes what he’s doing again. Now recently he isn’t doing really anything at all. He’s just focused on him trying to finish from what I can tell. I think he’s only made me finish once. Mind you we’ve had conversations about what we like in bed and it’s like he forgets all of it in the moment (being impatient, trying to give me the “greatest experience” by going over the top but honestly like I’ve said to him slower pace wins the race lmfao)

I’m not purposefully faking it. This doesn’t happen all of the time. I have a hard time focusing and I dissociate which is why I need the slow steady same thing. But sometimes I get close and I tell him so he stays at we he’s doing (usually doesn’t) and then I lose it. But I never update him on the fact I didn’t actually end up finishing.

It’s been years of this and I honestly am lost on how to fix any of it. Sex is not something I want to breakup for as it really isn’t a big deal to me because there is more to a relationship than that. I go through phases where it matters more