22 years of marriage and I don't recognize us anymore

I honestly don't even know why I'm writing this other than I just need somewhere to put all of this because I feel like I'm carrying it around every single day and it's getting heavier. We've been together for 22 years and I never thought I would be in a place where I would feel this lonely in my own marriage. The last 6 months have been a complete tornado for us and I feel like somewhere along the way I lost my husband and I don't know how to find my way back to him.

He took on a new position at work and I know it has completely drained him. I see it in him. I know he's stressed, tired and probably carrying more than he knows how to deal with, and I've really tried to understand that. I've tried talking to him, I've tried encouraging him, I've tried giving him space, I've tried being patient and reminding myself that maybe this is just a really hard season for him. But nothing seems to change. He's shut off from me, he doesn't engage, he doesn't seem to want to talk and it's like he's living in his own world and I'm standing outside of it trying to get his attention. I can be sitting right next to him and still feel completely alone.

And this is what hurts so much because this was never him. Of course we've had problems over 22 years, of course he's rough around the edges and we've had our disagreements, but I've never experienced him like this. I've never felt this much distance between us. I don't know if it's the job, if it's something going on inside of him, if he's just completely overwhelmed or if something else is happening that I don't know about. My mind goes a million different directions because I don't have answers and when you don't have answers you start filling in the blanks yourself.

I'm starting to feel like I'm walking on eggshells in my own home. I think about what I'm going to say before I say it. I wonder if he's going to be irritated, distant or completely shut me out. I try not to take everything personally because I know he's struggling, but I'm struggling too. I feel sad, angry, depressed, confused and honestly just exhausted. I'm trying so hard to be the supportive wife and be there for him, but some days I feel like I'm disappearing in the process. Who takes care of the person who is always trying to take care of everyone else?

The part that really messed with my head happened when he had to go out of town. I thought I would miss him terribly, and of course I did in some ways, but I also felt something I wasn't expecting at all. I felt peace. I felt like I could breathe. I wasn't sitting there watching his mood or wondering if I should say something or shouldn't say something. I wasn't feeling that tension in the house. I wasn't walking on eggshells. I could just exist and breathe without feeling like I was carrying this huge weight around. And honestly that scared me because what kind of place have I gotten to where my husband's absence makes me feel relief?

I don't want that. I don't want to feel that way about him. I don't want to become resentful. I don't want to stop caring. I don't want to look back one day and realize I spent all this time trying to reach someone who wasn't able or willing to reach back. I love my husband. After 22 years, I don't just stop loving somebody because we're going through a horrible period. I still want him. I still want my marriage. I still want the life we've built. I just don't know how to get us back to each other when I feel like I'm the only one trying to find the way.

And I feel so alone because I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this. I can smile, go about my day and pretend everything is fine, but inside I'm constantly thinking about it. What happened to us? How did we get here? Is this just what happens when someone gets completely consumed by their job? Can people really shut down this much and eventually come back? Am I supposed to keep giving him space? Keep trying? Stop trying? I don't know anymore.

I don't need anyone to tell me to immediately leave my marriage or bash my husband. That's not why I'm posting this. I'm not looking for people to tell me that 22 years means nothing or that I should just walk away. I'm posting because I genuinely need somewhere to be honest about how much this is hurting me. Maybe someone has been through something similar. Maybe someone has watched their spouse completely shut down because of work or stress and somehow found their way back to each other. Maybe someone can just understand what it's like to love someone deeply and still feel completely alone beside them.

I just need to get this off my chest because I've been holding it in for so long and I don't know how much longer I can keep pretending I'm okay. I miss my husband. I miss us. I miss feeling like we were a team. I miss feeling safe enough to talk, laugh, be close and just be myself around the person I've spent 22 years loving. Right now I feel like I'm grieving something that hasn't actually ended, and maybe that's the hardest part of all because he's still here, I'm still here, our marriage is still here, but somehow the connection between us feels like it's disappearing right in front of me and I don't know how to stop it.