well, it happened. I’m the last one.

hello everyone, this is just a throwaway to kind of vent and get some feelings out and just see if anyone’s been in this position before and can give some kind of advice.

I’m the last person in my family. a couple days ago, my dad passed away. he’s left me all on my own and while we had a tiny bit of money saved, it’s all gone already out to our house bills and other essential needs like water bill and council tax.

I work - though unfortunately earn bare minimum - so luckily I can probably just about keep the house for another month, at least while I find somewhere less expensive to live. I’ll need a thousand prayers of luck for that.

the thing I’m most upset about is not being able to afford a funeral. I could do a plan if I hadn’t fucked up my credit as a stupid 18 year old 10 years ago, but now they won’t even give me the time of day. just wanted something simple, for his old friends who are still here and whatever distant family might find their way to coming, but I literally cannot afford clothes on my own back right now, and while I’ve got the house another month, I’m scared I’m out on my ass. I’m choosing between using whatever tiny amounts I have saved to eat or to drive to work.

it’s fucking tough out here enough without being all alone now. friends have all got married off and moved away, and I kinda looked after my old man to the point I ended up only really being left with him until I didn’t realise everyone around had gone. he was never the same after mum died. lost a lot of light in his eyes; but that brings me some comfort, weirdly. means I know he loved her truly.

I wish I could say that I can give him the send off he deserves because he was my hero; but I likely won’t even be able to put him in the ground any more than getting the council to pay for the most bog-standard, get him in the plot as quick and cheap as possible shit they offer.

anyway I just wanted to vent because I’m sat on my own in the house right now thinking about how difficult this shit all becomes when you lose someone. it’s not just the loss of life and the memories they leave behind - which you’re glad to have but only wish you could make more - it’s the fact that now I’ve got to go on as a 28 year old man with no family, trying to reconnect with a life I am extremely disconnected to, with nobody to come home to and talk to it all about anymore.

anyway, good luck out there everyone. hope it’s treating you all better than me.