To anyone trapped in absolute spiritual despair, the fear of being a "Reprobate Soul," or the belief that you are permanently lost

I am writing this strictly for the person scrolling through this subreddit in total despair, convinced you are a reprobate soul and permanently lost.

I know your hell. At 22, I spent months in a complete spiritual and psychological collapse. Nobody believed me. Priests and psychiatrists told me I was exaggerating, a liar, or a manipulator. I was entirely isolated, walking around like a dead soul in a lifeless body.

In that darkness, I fell into cycles of sin and felt zero guilt. I felt a profound hatred for others and wanted them to burn in Hell with me. I felt total indifference toward God. If anyone said "God loves you," it felt like a poisonous dart. I believed with absolute, unyielding logic that I was pre-damned and that I had committed the unforgivable sin against the Holy Spirit by running away from the priesthood.

I fell into this pit twice. The first time I thought I was rescued, I panicked and believed I had to be a flawless saint. I failed, sinned, and instantly plunged right back into an even worse despair for another month. When God rescued me the second time, the truth broke through the legalistic lies I had been taught: God does not want perfect, flawless saints. He just wants His messy, broken children so He can love and heal them. You cannot earn your way out of the pit.

Today, I live in a profound, quiet peace, completely healed of that depression. I am currently pursuing a career in nursing, knowing that I may touch far more hearts as a nurse than I ever would have as a priest—which, looking back, was never my true calling, but an OCD-fueled obsession. I learned that God does not have one rigid, single plan for our lives; He can use a thousand different paths to bring us home to Him. Even if I end up a street cleaner or a homeless man, I am still a beloved child of God, because love is the only true measure, not an external title.

If you are in this darkness right now, please understand that your pain, your numbness, and your intrusive thoughts of anger or hatred are not proof that you are damned. I know that during my collapse, I firmly believed I was pre-damned, and I completely rejected any religious logic that tried to tell me otherwise.

But look at the reality: truly reprobate souls do not spend their time scrolling through forums in mental anguish over their fate. They aren't tortured by their coldness; they simply go on living their lives completely unbothered by God, not even believing they will end up damned. The very fact that you are suffering, that you are reading these words, and that you are in this agonizing friction is the proof that your soul is still alive. Even if you feel completely dead, and even if you think you have genuinely rejected Him, you are not permanently lost. Even for those who have integrated with pure darkness—like satanic priests or witches who later repented—mercy remains wide open until the very last breath. No one is excluded, "NO ONE".

What you are going through right now might actually be a brutal, hidden mercy. Sometimes God is so close to us that His light completely blinds our eyes, making us think we are in absolute darkness. He is burning away every false, terrifying concept of a legalistic Judge you were ever taught, leaving only the true Father—the One who leaves the 99 to hunt down the one who thinks they are the absolute exception to His mercy.

Please, do not fight this battle alone in your head. God uses nature and medicine to reach us. If your brain chemistry is entirely depleted and broken, your mind cannot physically process or feel love. Seeking out psychiatric help or medication is not a failure of faith—it is often the exact practical tool God uses to steady the brain's wiring so you can finally breathe. You do not have to fear being trapped on medication forever. I myself only took them temporarily until my brain could process emotion and love again, and today I am a completely healed, unmedicated individual.

My short time in the dark does not mean your years of suffering are proof you won't be saved. We are all traumatized differently. But He desires to save you up to your very last breath. You are not a monster. You are just waiting in the dark. And you are not alone. You might feel stuck thinking: "I know mercy is open, but how can I receive it when I don't even want it anymore?" Please listen to me: God does not look at your broken emotional desires right now. When you are traumatized, your brain loses the capacity to "want" anything good. God looks at your suffering, not your willpower. You receive His mercy simply by existing and letting Him find you at the bottom. You don't have to summon up a feeling of wanting Him. He will do the wanting for you.

Remember that on the cross, Jesus Himself screamed out, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" He chose to enter into the absolute psychological reality of feeling totally abandoned by the Father. Even if you think, "God didn't forsake me, I forsook Him," Jesus still carried that exact fracture. Your pain right now is likely the closest to God you have ever been, because you are literally living through the most agonizing, dark moment of Christ’s life.

You might not know it, but right now, you could be loving God more than you ever have in your entire life just by fighting to stay alive—even if you think you are only doing it out of a terrifying fear of hell. Choosing to breathe through the darkness is a heroic offering.

God does not make copies. There is a specific, unique way He intended for you to love Him, and that calling is not gone. He is standing with you at the absolute bottom of that bottomless pit right now, even if all your eyes can see is pitch black.

Please remember this one thing: You are not the exception to God’s mercy.