Starting again at 40

I am 40 yo lesbian (who looks like a man according to most people), I live and work in Germany, earns enough to pay for rent, bills and save a little (I do farely good with my finances), I help out with the expenses of my family abroad, I am contented with the life that I have, love my friends and family but there are times that I feel unhappy. Sometimes I feel like I don't ever learn from the bad decisions in my past, so I just keep praying and surrendering all the doubts and fears that I have, saying I will keep walking the path with full trust and faith that everything is going to work out at the end.

I had a boyfriend in highschool and soon after that I realized, I like women. Since the year 2000 I've been in 10 relationships and the problem was, since I look like a man, 8/10 were actually straight and eventually left me for someone else.

I was engaged with GF#9 after being together for 7 years until she left me for a married man. After 11 months, I met GF#10, a 22(F) german. We were on and off for almost 2 years now because I keep seeing incompatibilities and differences, but it's the first time that I felt like this person loves me more and was willing to change or work on our issues with me. For a time I thought this could work, because at the end of the day, it's a huge factor when you find someone who's willing to work on it and that breaking up was not an option, despite the age difference and being at different stages in life.

However lately, I feel more of a caregiver and a substitute parent to her because her parents live far from the city we are in. Basically, I make sure we have everything we need day to day, bills are paid on time and house chores are done. She helps out sometimes but when she has days off, she goes out or stays at her parents' or bestfriend's. I tried to find ways that we can have a deeper connection or bond over something but the only thing we can talk about is work since we're in the same field and we enjoy doing karaoke. When it comes to intimacy, there isn't one because she doesn't know how to initiate it. Plus, she has a habit of lying about anything so I can't say that I trust her. And the thing is, I knew that the time will come where I will get the same feeling that this can't work, but 3 months ago I decided to move in with her and then I felt stuck.

So the other day, we talked and I told her I felt. Surprisingly, we were on the same page thinking it was no longer working and this time we can't find a way to fix it. I had no idea she was feeling the same way because she never communicates anything with me. So we ended it. We talked about the apartment, who's moving out and stuff and eventually we decided that I will stay and she will move when she finds her own place.

I feel bad knowing that this person was special to me and I just wanted to help her be better, like handling her finances, pursuing her career, be more responsible and to not just be kept in a box that other people say that she is. But then again, I realized I can't do this for her because it's one way to teach but we learn more from experience. And I can't take that away from her, to live her life on her own and grow from every experience.

Now I'm not sure about how I feel making this decision. Did I just push away this person who loves me and looks at me like I'm her world? Then again, her perception of love is different from the love I need. I guess my friends are right, maybe I'm just scared of being alone. Maybe I go into the same relationships because I haven't learned so I attract the same people.

I'm 40 and I just want a normal relationship where I have a partner I can trust with everything, that if anything happens to me, I wouldn't worry if the bills are getting paid. That lazy days watching crime series, movies or documentaries is our thing. That we support each other on trying to start healthy habits. Saving up so we can travel and have adventures. Be so into each other that you crave for it and it just makes you crazy wanting to be near her. Be responsible but also know how to have a good time. Or who can tolerate me when I get drunk and when I'm being so OC on cleanliness at home.

I don't know, I'm an overthinker and thoughts go to my head all at once and it's nice to try this for the first time, having a neutral place to write all this. Thank you, for reading.