22 [TF4A] Trans girl struggling with internalized misogyny

Really glad I found this subreddit, because it feels like the only place that might get this.

I'm 22, transitioned basically my whole life (socially super young, medically in my teens), and I pass fine. But I think I've developed a fetish for the sexism I now experience so often. Like I know it's messed up, but I have such intense internalized misogyny and I've always gotten a lot of gender euphoria/affirmation out of being treated like a woman by misogynistic men, so I really struggle to figure out my feelings with this. Like, for example, my conservative cousins and uncles always knew me as a girl since I socially transitioned so young, and they were accidentally the most gender-affirming people I ever met - they'd put me to work in the kitchen with their sisters/daughters, have me fetch drinks and wash dishes while the boys sat around. I feel a little guilty admitting it, but I always like going over there and being treated like that.

I find myself fantasizing about traditional gender roles in this really intense way, like wanting to be domestic, submissive, owned, all of it. And it's confusing because I'm a feminist in theory but I get off to the exact opposite. I feel like being trans makes it even more complicated because there's this layer of wanting validation as a woman, and sexism so often giving me that? Like sometimes when men are misogynistic to me in real life I get this rush of gender euphoria before the anger kicks in and I hate that about myself. Anyway, I just end up having a hard time telling apart my my sexual fantasies from my trans identity from my actual beliefs about how things should be run.

I don't know if this is a trauma response or what but I feel so alone in it. And I'm afraid to talk about in trans spaces because I know that the same people who want to put women back in the kitchen (and make my fantasies a reality) also want to ban trans people from existing. It makes it so hard to seriously explore these thoughts without feeling guilty, and like I'm selling out my sisters. I just want to talk to someone who gets it, who maybe has the same fetishes or struggles with the same intrusive thoughts. Someone I can talk to without judgment, maybe process this with, or just... idk, feel less like a freak with?

If you're out there and you understand what I mean, please DM me. I just want to talk with someone about my really embarrassing kinks (soft preference for mtfs, but happy to talk to anyone who gets it,) and maybe make a friend.