I realized I've never had anything to live for

Hello, recently I've been having some conflicts with a friend. I talked to another friend about it and she basically said I need more friends and to stop focusing so much on our shared hobby. Do other things and meet more people.

She told me to do something I want to do, that has nothing to do with this friend. And I realized that I've been living the last 4 years in order not to hurt him. When I met him I didn't want to be alive. Actually since I was like 11 I didn't want to be alive. I've been living my life for other people (not just him) because I don't want it myself.

Similar with the hobby. I go when it's on 3 times a week because I tell myself I have to. I can't die because I have to be there.

So now I'm like what do I do? What I want is to not exist. I don't want anything else. Do I need to find some reasons to live?

Another note, for the first time tonight I used a fresh razor on myself. It didn't hurt and was so easy. So now I have it in my head that actually doing the act will be easy.