I have a shitty personality and I’m hurting everyone around me, idk what to do

I never thought of the day where I would finally admit to this but yes I‘m a rude bitch that keeps hurting everyone around me and I don’t know what to do.

it’s been affecting everyone around me and I feel so helpless because my own didi(older sister) told me straight to my face that she’s given up on me long ago. Maybe i really am a asshole and that’s why i keep losing my friends but genuinely it feels like no one puts the effort in our relationship cause I’m the only one putting all the effort.

My personality wasn’t this bad, i was actually a pretty nice kid. But ever since puberty, I’ve been getting meaner and meaner. I did try to stop it but i can’t say i tried my best.

i’m not trying to excuse my actions but i think I’m just so pent up because of my own family issues that made me extremely sensitive. Back in the days, i would be able to tell someone on why I’m rude but now if someone ever asks me that, my entire brain goes foggy.

I know there are a lot of reasons on why I’m like this but i just dunno how to put into words unless someone asks me the specific question that triggers it. i could go on about my family issues in my head but now i just kinda forgot all of it and the second something goes wrong i just get that pent up feeling and become really frustrated.

I used to be a people pleaser but now I’m high key just blunt, like the rude type. i’m not proud of it at all, i have little to no social skills and it’s always my didi having to cover up for it.

Most of my relationships could have been saved if we genuinely talked and heck yeah most of my current relationships would be so much more better but i‘m just a coward that can’t communicate at all.

I used to be the person in school that people could open up to freely, most of my friends opened up to me first. I always used to be seen as reliable, friendly, and a kind person. but now my new friends call me depressed and i fucking hate it so much. they don’t see me as reliable anymore, nor have they opened up to me.

I used to be good at studies at least but now I’m losing my skills in there too, i can‘t do anything about it. i hate it so much. Everyone is ahead of me.

I keep excusing my actions and behaviors more and more, i don’t wanna but it’s become a habit.

One day I think I’m better than everyone then the next second i think I’m the worst asshole then suddenly everyone is a bitch including me.

I can’t get help at all, i can’t talk to anyone without crying up. My family is too poor to afford mental health care because they’re already struggling with my past medical bills.

Sometimes i feel i should just kill my self and write a letter telling everyone and their moms to fuck off and reminding them how horrible they are but other days when I finally have time for reading manhwas, watching videos i wanna watch, learning new things, reading novels and basically anything I’m interested in, i don’t wanna die. No matter how much i feel like i should kill my self, i‘m always scared of what comes after death.

Fuck i don’t know what to do at this point, i can’t communicate, my art isn’t getting any better, I’m losing my passion in everything. All i do is day dream like a crazy bastard.

I’m such a coward that even my throat is tightening while I’m writing this. i hate myself i wish i could just talk.

i don’t know how to use Reddit, it’s my first time here. hi guys i wanna change. please help me or give any advice, i don’t wanna keep on living like this forever.

what to do, help me pls ok idk if I’m using even the right community yo