My ex finally followed the one ex I was always afraid of after breaking up with me for the 100th time

I feel fucking stupid even writing this.
My boyfriend and I were together for around a year and four months, and our relationship became an absolute emotional rollercoaster. We broke up and got back together so many times that at some point I stopped knowing whether we were actually together or just constantly recovering from the last breakup.
There was love. A lot of it.
But there was also jealousy, arguments, insecurity, emotional outbursts, resentment and a ridiculous amount of damage on both sides.
I know I wasn’t easy to be with. I could be jealous, impulsive and overly emotional. I reacted badly to things, sometimes pushed him when I should have backed off, and I know I contributed to destroying the relationship.
But he wasn’t exactly innocent either.
He became increasingly cold toward me. He told me I got on his nerves. He said he’d lost respect for me. He said he wasn’t happy and didn’t want the relationship anymore.
And yet, every time I thought it was finally over, there would be another moment where he would hug me, kiss me, tell me he loved me, want to spend time with me or act like he couldn’t completely let me go.
So I kept hoping.
And then recently something changed.
He told me it was **100% over**.
Not “I don’t know.”
Not “maybe someday.”
Not “let’s take a break.”
He said we weren’t together anymore and that eventually we should erase each other from our lives. He even said that if it was easier for me, we could wait a month or two before completely doing that.
I was already devastated.
And then I saw it.
**He followed his ex.**
And not just any ex.
*Her.*
The one I’ve always known had a different place in his history.
She was the girl he had a really hard time getting over before me. They ended things but stayed on good terms. And after they broke up, **he actually tried to get her back.**
She was unavailable because she was already with someone.
So nothing happened.
Then eventually he met me.
We got together.
We built a whole relationship.
I became the person he spent the next year and four months with.
And now, after everything between us finally imploded, the first thing I see is him reconnecting with the exact person he once wanted back.
Maybe it’s “just Instagram.”
Maybe following someone means absolutely nothing.
But honestly?
**With this history, it doesn’t feel like nothing.**
And that’s what fucking hurts.
Because I’m not sitting here thinking, “Oh no, my ex followed a random girl.”
I’m thinking:
**“Did he finally get tired of fighting for us and start looking back toward the person he wanted before me?”**
And maybe the worst part is that I can’t even blame him completely.
He told me he was unhappy.
He told me he was tired.
He told me he didn’t want this relationship anymore.
Maybe I spent months trying to save something he had already emotionally left.
Maybe all those moments where he hugged me and told me he loved me weren’t signs that he wanted to come back. Maybe they were just signs that he still loved me while knowing he couldn’t continue the relationship.
And maybe I’ve been confusing love with wanting a future together.
That’s the part I’m struggling to accept.
Because someone can love you and still choose to leave you.
Someone can miss you and still decide you’re not good for them.
Someone can cry over you and still move on.
And someone can follow an old love without actually wanting them back.
But then there’s the history.
**He tried to get her back once.**
She rejected that possibility because she was unavailable.
Then I came along.
And now I’m gone.
So naturally my brain is screaming:
*“What if she’s the person he actually wanted all along and I was just the relationship that happened afterward?”*
I don’t know if that’s true.
I don’t even know if he wants her now.
Maybe he doesn’t.
Maybe he just followed her because he’s single and curious.
Maybe he’s trying to move on and she’s simply part of his past.
But I can’t lie — seeing that follow right after he finally ended things with me feels like getting punched in the stomach.
And I’m realizing something really ugly:
I’ve spent so much time analyzing whether he will come back, whether he still loves me, whether he misses me, whether he will text me, whether he will regret leaving…
when maybe I should be asking myself why I’m still waiting for someone who has already told me he doesn’t want the relationship anymore.
So Reddit, tell me honestly.
**Is this actually meaningful because of their history, or am I desperately connecting dots because I’m heartbroken?**
And please don’t tell me “just move on” as if I haven’t fucking tried.
I’m trying.
I’m just not there yet.