Found out I'm the abuser

I thought I was the victim but I'm actually the abuser

Hi. CPTSD person here. Childhood emotional neglect, SA, child of alcoholics and drug users. Survived. Found my way out via academics and worked my way through college (sorry I was lucky and went to college in the late 90s and early 00's before it got crazy). Got a degree and fell in love & married too young before I really understood the source of my perpetual sadness. As I aged and found myself in a safe space repressed memories surfaced. With my partners support I sought out therapy. Years passed and we had kids and that is when the ugly repressed memories surfaced. Therapy helped. ID'ed the PTSD. Did EMDR therapy. Did a lot of work and rebuilding. Through all of this I was not the most steady person at home. Alot of sadness. Feelings of inadequacy, unworthy of happiness and all that. In all I was married for 15 years. Found out my ex was having an affair. She wanted to keep her relationship with her affair partner and the marriage but I personally couldn't do that and filed for divorce. Kept things as civil as possible. Never wanted to hurt her or my children. Just wanted to be safe.

Ok so here is the thing I didn't realize until very very recently. I was abusing my then wife. I was using my depression, past, cPTSD to keep focus on me. I was creating a codependent relationship where I expected her emotional support instead of supporting myself. I cut off friendships and activities outside the marriage because I thought that is what one does. I gave up who I was to focus on the family and her needs. It turns out this all put too much pressure on her. It created an environment where she felt trapped. Where she felt the need to escape me. I thought I was doing the right things. I thought I was being good and attentive. At the time I was in therapy. In couples therapy (we both went to the same therapist separate and together). Focusing on becoming stronger for myself, for her, for the kids. Focusing on how to be present for them and not let my personal stuff effect my then wife and kids. A lot of the couples therapy focused on how my emotions hurt her. However all I was doing was making her feel trapped. It has not clicked until now. 5 years out of the marriage that I am to blame. Then I thought she was being selfish but she was just asking me to be an adult and a partner that could support her not an energy vampire.

This has had me in a bit of a tailspin.

I am trying to understand and accept my abusive role in my relationship.