Help?

Hi. I'm out of ideas, so figured I might try this.

Has anyone felt like anything has helped? I've been making myself go to therapy, and I really am trying, but I just talk for an hour and she just nods and says one form or another of 'that seems really frustrating/fucked up'. Like I know her job is to listen, and I get that, but at what point do I feel different. I am so done feeling like this. This last appointment was just weird, my depression kind of comes in waves of different flavors of the same emotions, I basically went from being very outwardly numb to very outwardly emotional pretty abruptly. I usually don't notice it so much but it was kind of obvious in that setting. Anyway, it was a lot more than it usually is. I got pretty frustrated and basically said that I don't think CBT is helping cause I feel the same and I really hate going because its exhausting and again, I don't think it's helping. I also asked what she thought about depression medication and she was sort of on the fence about it 'for me', idk.

What I found grating is that the entire time she was looking for me to say I was suicidal. To be clear, I have never felt suicidal. I have been very clear with her since the beginning, I am not suicidal. I have never been. It's not something that makes sense to me and something I can say with certainty I will never develop. But she was like, looking for it. Like I mentioned having an issue with food and she was asking me if I was starving myself. And I said 'I don't want to be here' like referring to my mental state, and she immediately jumped to si, and it was just so annoying. I saw a psychiatrist a few months ago trying to get medicated for my ADHD and he didn't want to prescribe me a stimulant because it can make depression worse, but like clinically the parameters he's worried about are si. It's like I can't get any form of provider to take me seriously cause I'm not depressed 'enough'. Like I feel so helpless and I don't know if its worth making myself waste energy I really don't have on shit that just isn't going to work.

She recommended a 'higher level of care', which apparently just means more CBT. I don't see what that's going to do, and I said as much. I asked her what the indication was for that and she said usually si, but it depends. I don't know, I feel like I can't get someone to take me seriously clinically because I don't have si or anything like that. I don't know how to communicate that I cannot keep going like this. This is unlivable conditions. I feel like I can't make myself try any harder than I am. I do all the things I'm supposed to; I write daily, I try to meditate daily, I go outside and sit in the sun daily, I drink water, I have routines, I make myself do something I used to enjoy every day, I am doing all this shit and I've been doing it for years. I feel the same. Nothing is different except my symptoms are becoming more and more unmanageable.

It is affecting every aspect of my life and I can't just say I'm depressed because this isn't like a phase, I've been like this for 7 plus years and it isn't getting better. I don't want to lose the life I have and it isn't for lack of trying.

My therapist recommended maybe I start seeing someone with more experience; idk. I'm not against it, but should I start over again (I had to start over with a different therapist twice already because of insurance issues) for something that hasn't helped?

I don't want to give up on trying, but is it even worth it. Am I just a sad person? I'm starting to think this is my fate and I really don't want it to be. Does anyone have anything that has helped, I am open to any and all suggestions (with the exception of Abrahamic religions, no one tell me to pray.).