I've failed

Hey guys. I’m writing this post mostly because I need to tell someone about my situation, and maybe hear some advice or experiences from people who have gone through something similar.

I’ve been studying in the Netherlands for the past three years. I did Pre-IB and IB there, and honestly, these three years have been some of the most difficult years of my life.

I came to the Netherlands when I was 14, alone with my sister. My dad believed that we wouldn’t be able to get a proper education in our home country, so he made the decision to send us abroad. He has spent a huge amount of money on our education and living expenses ever since.

10th grade was incredibly difficult. I was learning a new language and couldn’t fully communicate with my classmates. On top of that, some of my peers were strongly against me because of the political situation involving my country. I was 14. I wasn’t political. I wasn’t trying to represent anyone or argue about politics. I was just a teenager who had moved to another country and was trying to fit in.

My parents had also gone through a divorce right before we moved, so I left my home country without a peaceful or supportive family environment behind me. I arrived in the Netherlands already struggling with depression and very dark thoughts, and suddenly I had to deal with a completely new country, language, school and social environment.

When I first arrived at my school, I was honestly shocked by how different everyone was from the environment I had grown up in. People seemed so free, open and happy. At the same time, I felt completely lost. I was rejected not because of who I was as a person, but because of the political situation and the language barrier.

But I kept going.

I learned the language. I started the IB. And it was HARD.

I was constantly terrified that I would fail. I remember having sleepless nights, crying in the school bathroom and genuinely believing that I was the stupidest person in my classroom.

But my grades started improving.

I worked harder and harder. I studied constantly because I was terrified of losing everything I had worked for. Looking back, I realize how much I actually grew during those years.

At the same time, my dad was constantly pushing me to figure out what I wanted to become. Being told “I want to be a designer” wasn’t enough for him. He wanted facts. How much would I earn? What career opportunities would I have? What exactly could I do with the degree?

So I researched everything.

From the beginning of 12th grade until the end of my exams, I was constantly researching universities, careers, programs and opportunities. I eventually decided that I wanted to study Communication Design or Strategic Design because I knew I wanted to work in the creative industry. I liked the fact that these degrees could lead to many different careers — from producer to art director, designer, brand/marketing designer, and more.

I knew I couldn’t possibly predict exactly what I would do for the rest of my life. I just knew that creativity was where I belonged.

So I started building my portfolio.

I applied to five universities, and all five accepted me.

One of them was Parsons Paris, where I was offered a $20,000 grant based on my portfolio. I had spent so much time reviewing every single detail, asking my art teacher for feedback and constantly improving my work. Getting that offer felt like proof that all those sleepless nights had meant something.

But the total cost of studying there would have been around $70,000, so I ultimately had to turn down the offer — including the scholarship.

I still had to choose somewhere else.

And I chose Italy.

I was accepted into IED, and I honestly felt like the happiest person in the world. The university seemed amazing, and for the first time in a long time I felt like everything was finally coming together.

I graduated. I finished my exams. I thought I was finally moving forward.

Then, about a month later, I found out that IB was not going to release one of my HL grades and that I would have to retake the exam.

The decision was related to a situation that I personally had not been involved in. They could have taken other factors into consideration, but ultimately the decision was made and I had to deal with the consequences.

It completely fucked everything up.

My university refused to make an exception and told me that instead of starting my Bachelor's degree, I would have to take a foundation course first.

My dad was furious.

He told me that I was a failure.

And honestly, at that point, I felt like one.

After everything I had gone through — moving countries at 14, learning a new language, surviving IB, constantly worrying about my future, building my portfolio, getting accepted into five universities — I suddenly found myself back at the beginning.

There were moments when I genuinely didn’t want to be alive anymore because I couldn’t understand how, after fighting so hard for so long, I could still end up in what felt like the worst possible situation.

Now I’m also having problems with my visa, and it looks increasingly likely that I may have to take a gap year.

My dad still thinks I’ve been irresponsible and has threatened to stop paying for my education.

So now I’m trying to figure out what comes next.

I’m looking for art/design universities in Europe that offer substantial scholarships or, ideally, full tuition grants for international students. If anyone knows of schools, scholarships or programs that could realistically help cover the cost of studying art/design, I would genuinely appreciate any recommendations.

I know this post is extremely long, but I think I just needed to put all of this somewhere.

I really hope that a year from now I’ll come back and read this post and realize that this wasn’t the end of my plans — maybe it was just a completely different beginning.

Maybe everything falling apart right now is eventually going to lead me somewhere much better than where I thought I was supposed to go.