My relationship ended recently after a complicated history of breaks and reconciliation. I want honest advice on whether to give space or leave the door open.( we are together approximately 3year)

I’m looking for honest and nuanced advice because I feel like generic breakup advice doesn’t fully fit my situation.
My relationship ended about a week ago. My ex told me that they no longer had romantic feelings for me, that we were too incompatible in several ways, and that trying to repair their feelings would not work.
They described the breakup as final.
I still love this person deeply, and I’m trying to understand what the most respectful and realistic thing to do is.
Our personalities and differences
My ex lives with a diagnosed mental health condition. I don’t want to identify or discuss their diagnosis in detail because it is private, and I am not saying that their condition explains everything they do or that it is responsible for the breakup.
However, it has affected their life, emotional needs, and some aspects of our relationship.
One of the things I regret most is that I thought I understood how their condition affected them, but looking back, I don’t think I understood it as deeply as I should have.
We are also very different emotionally.
I have had previous relationships, but I had never experienced feelings like the ones I developed in this relationship. I can become extremely emotionally intense, especially when I’m afraid of losing someone. When I’m anxious, I tend to want answers and reassurance immediately.
My ex can sometimes appear much more emotionally detached and analytical. They can need distance at moments when I instinctively want more communication.
I think this difference created a difficult cycle between us.
A major event that may have changed everything
A few weeks before the breakup, my ex underwent a serious medical procedure.
At that time, I was expected to stay close and support them through that period.
However, due to strong family pressure and circumstances that I felt I had very little control over, I ended up having to leave and go away with my family.
I still feel conflicted and angry about being placed in that situation.
But I also understand why it hurt my ex deeply.
The day I left was extremely emotional. I had rarely seen them that distressed.
At the time, I don’t think I fully understood what my leaving represented to them.
During the breakup, they told me that they had started seriously questioning the relationship around that period and that this event was a major trigger or turning point.
Looking back, I can understand their perspective: they were going through a serious medical event and the person they expected to be there was not there.
Even though I had reasons and felt pressured by my family, I know that explaining those circumstances does not erase the pain they experienced.
I cannot go back and change what happened.
One of my biggest regrets is that I may have understood the importance of some of their needs only after the relationship had already reached a breaking point.
What they told me during the breakup
During the breakup, they told me:
They no longer loved me romantically.
We were incompatible and had too many differences.
Some of our differences were connected to how differently we function and what they need in a relationship.
My feelings could not repair theirs.
Returning to our old relationship would probably hurt us.
The breakup was final.
If I continued forcing communication, they might block me.
They initially wanted us to completely remove each other from social media.
That did not completely happen.
We still have a small form of minimal online contact, but we have not had a genuine conversation about our relationship since the breakup.
Our relationship history is complicated
This is not the first major separation in our relationship.
We have had multiple periods of distance or breaks, as well as a previous breakup.
The previous breakup is particularly confusing for me because, at the time, it also felt completely final.
After that breakup, I eventually stopped repeatedly contacting them and gave them space.
Later, circumstances created a legitimate reason for us to have some natural contact again.
After some time, they contacted me unexpectedly.
The conversation was emotional and confusing. They asked me questions about whether I still thought about them.
Later, they asked me to see them.
When we met, something unexpected happened: we broke the ice extremely quickly.
We started laughing together and talking naturally to the point where it almost felt like we had never separated.
Eventually, they told me that they had sometimes wondered whether we were uniquely meant for each other.
They also admitted that they had not necessarily expected the meeting to lead to an emotional reconnection. They thought it might have gone very differently if we had not immediately connected again.
But we did reconnect.
Eventually, we got back together.
I know this does not mean the same thing will happen again.
That is actually one of the reasons I’m struggling so much now.
I don’t know whether this previous reconciliation tells me something meaningful about our dynamic or whether I’m simply holding onto it because I desperately want hope.
How I fell in love
At the beginning of our relationship, I wasn’t fully in love yet.
I could be immature and sometimes aggressive in the way I reacted.
I wanted to make them laugh and make them like me.
Ironically, seeing them laugh and be happy with me became one of the things that made me genuinely fall in love.
My feelings developed gradually.
That is why I don’t feel like I’m simply panicking because I lost the idea of being in a relationship.
I have had relationships before, but this connection affected me in a way I had never experienced before.
What I regret
Looking back, I think I often failed to listen carefully enough.
I sometimes reacted emotionally instead of slowing down and genuinely trying to understand what my partner was telling me.
I understood some things intellectually without fully understanding what they actually felt like for them.
The period surrounding their medical procedure is the clearest example.
I now realize that saying:
“I understand now, I’m sorry, and I’ll change”
cannot undo what happened or automatically repair someone’s feelings.
I also know that one week is nowhere near enough time to claim that I have completely changed.
What is happening now
Since the breakup, I have become extremely obsessive.
I analyze small interactions, social media activity, and tiny details, trying to understand whether they still care about me or whether they have completely moved on.
One minute I convince myself that everything is over forever.
The next minute, a small interaction gives me hope.
I know this cycle isn’t healthy.
I also don’t want to convince myself that I can predict their behaviour based on their mental health condition.
My biggest problem is that I feel trapped between two fears:
I’m terrified that if I contact them, I’ll pressure them and push them further away.
But I’m also terrified that if I do absolutely nothing, the connection between us will completely disappear.
The message I’m considering
I wrote a long emotional message explaining that:
I understand their decision more than I did initially.
I regret not listening carefully enough.
I know feelings cannot simply be repaired.
I don’t want to recreate exactly the same relationship.
If there were ever another chance, I would want to build something healthier and more mature.
I have not sent it because I think it could create emotional pressure, especially after they asked for space.
Instead, I’m considering sending something simple to clarify whether normal communication is still welcome.
Something like:
“Can we still talk?”
What I mean is not:
“Can we get back together?”
I mean:
“Can we occasionally talk normally, or would you prefer complete distance for now?”
But I’m worried that even asking this could be seen as ignoring their request for space.
What I actually want
I don’t want a manipulative strategy designed to make an ex come back.
I don’t want to make them jealous.
I don’t want to pretend I don’t care.
I don’t want to invent a fake reason to see them.
I genuinely want to know what I should do if my goals are:
Respecting their boundaries.
Working seriously on my own emotional reactions and behaviour.
Not unnecessarily destroying any possibility of a healthy reconciliation in the future.

I know I cannot force someone to come back.
I also know that even if we ever got back together, simply returning to exactly what we had before would probably recreate the same problems.

If there were ever another chance, I would want something different and healthier.

My questions

1. Given that they explicitly asked for space and warned me not to force communication, should I avoid asking “Can we still talk?” so soon after the breakup?

2. How should I interpret minimal online contact when they initially considered removing each other completely? Can someone want emotional distance while still maintaining minimal contact?

3. Does a previous breakup that eventually led to reconciliation tell me anything useful about our relationship dynamic, or am I simply using it as false hope?

4. How much should the event surrounding their serious medical procedure change the way I understand this breakup?

5. If your goal was to maximize the possibility of a healthy reconciliation without manipulating or pressuring someone, what would you do over the next few weeks?

6. Is there ever an appropriate moment to make one calm attempt to reopen communication, or should I wait entirely for them to initiate it?

I know they might never come back.
I’m not asking anyone to promise me that they will.

I’m trying to avoid two extremes:
forcing communication because I’m terrified of losing them,
or
giving up impulsively simply because the uncertainty is unbearable.
I’m looking for honest advice, particularly from people who have experienced complicated relationships involving very different emotional needs, mental health challenges, serious life events, multiple separations, reconciliation, and then another breakup.