I cut myself for the first time tonight

Ive been thinking about it for months. Bought one of those sharpeners a while back, actually. I took the blade off and cut myself tonight. I got lightheaded immediately after. I hate myself

I hate that I like the way that it hurts, i hate that I think that I deserve it, I hate that this is probably my only alternative to killing myself. I fear that it is only going to get worse from here