How can i rekindle my relationship?

Hey everyone,

I’m male, 27, and my partner is female, 26. We’ve been together for about 5 years and are in a long-distance relationship.

For a long time, we’ve had the same goal: eventually move in together, buy a house or an apartment, and build a life together.

Especially over the past year, this dream became more and more concrete. We regularly looked at houses, saved home decor ideas and house-buying tips on Instagram, saved money together, and talked about what our future home and life would look like. It wasn’t just some vague idea for us — it was genuinely our shared dream.

For the past five years, we’ve talked pretty much every single day. Of course, there were occasionally a week or two where life got busy and we talked less, but generally we’ve always been incredibly close.

We had all these little routines together. We would eat together, watch shows and movies, play games, call each other, and talk about our days. Despite the distance, we always made an effort to spend quality time together and see each other regularly.

I also planned little dates and surprises for her quite often. On Valentine’s Day, for example, I surprised her with something and she was completely overwhelmed, saying things along the lines of, “This feels so surreal, is this actually happening?” She would also often say things like, “What did I do to deserve you?” or “How did I deserve someone like you?”

I once put up a traditional May tree for her because it was something she really wanted. We had wellness dates, went on trips, and I regularly drove to see her. When she temporarily had to work in another city, I even drove there to see her despite it being a much longer journey.

I never did any of this because I felt obligated to. I genuinely loved doing these things for her.

Now comes the difficult part.

About a year ago, my partner lost her father. She was there when it happened, and it was an extremely traumatic experience for her. She also carries other trauma from university and has struggled for a long time with feeling like she isn't good enough and with imposter syndrome.

She has also always had difficulty fully allowing herself to experience love. In her upbringing, love and expressing emotions were generally portrayed in a rather negative way and weren’t really a big part of her family life. I think this has made it difficult for her to fully let herself become emotionally vulnerable.

Since her father’s death, she has also had a huge fear that something could happen to me. Her father died relatively young and never got to fulfill many of the things he wanted to do in life.

She would sometimes have thoughts like, “What if love only ends up hurting you?”, “What’s the point of loving someone so much if you’re eventually going to lose them?” or “What if something happens to you too?”

I always tried to reassure her. I told her that I take care of myself, that we get medical issues checked out properly, and that we would do everything we could to stay healthy and have as much time together as possible.

But the fear was still there.

More recently, her grandmother also passed away. She and her family travelled abroad for the funeral. Her father’s grave is also there, so she visited that as well.

Since she came back, something has changed.

She doesn’t say that she loves me anymore. She says that she loves the time we spend together, the things we do together, and the way I love her and treat her. She appreciates everything I do for her.

During our relationship, she would often tell me things like, “What did I do to deserve you?” because she frequently felt like she wasn’t good enough for me.

But now she says she simply doesn’t feel that actual romantic love anymore.

We used to be able to hug for several minutes and it would feel incredibly intimate, safe and warm for both of us. Recently, she hugged me and told me that she suddenly felt absolutely nothing.

She doesn’t say that she doesn’t enjoy being with me. Quite the opposite. She loves our time together and the things we do together.

But that romantic feeling — the feeling of being in love with me — seems to be gone.

Yesterday really made me realize how serious things have become.

We were both invited to a wedding. We spent time together there and everything seemed relatively normal at first, but she was already very distant, thoughtful and absent-minded. Whenever I got close to her, touched her or tried to show her affection, she would react in a very questioning and detached way.

I noticed it immediately and thought to myself, “Oh no. Something is really wrong.”

Afterwards, we went home separately.

That evening, we talked about everything over a video call. We eventually decided to take a break from the relationship for now, so that we can both have some time and space to think.

We agreed that she will contact me once she feels certain about what she wants and how she feels. She also explicitly told me that I shouldn’t be thinking positively or assuming that everything is going to work out.

And that’s where I am right now.

She isn’t just my partner. She is my best friend. I’ve shared such a huge part of my life with her, and honestly, I’ve thought about her for a large part of every day for the past five years. She is the person I wanted to share everything with — good things, funny things, stupid little things from my day, everything.

I absolutely do not want to give up on this relationship. I want to fight for us and do whatever I reasonably can.

At the same time, I don’t want to force my feelings or expectations onto her. If she doesn’t feel romantic love right now, I can’t tell her that she has to feel it.

What I’m struggling with is how something that seemed so strong can seemingly disappear so quickly.

Especially because until very recently, we were constantly talking about our future. We were looking at houses, saving money, collecting ideas for our future home and talking about what our life together would look like. She would tell me how good I am to her, how much she appreciates the way I love her, and how well we fit together.

That’s why I’m struggling to understand how five years of love, closeness, shared experiences and future plans can seemingly just disappear.

My personal theory is that all of the trauma, the fear of losing someone she loves, and perhaps her difficulty with allowing herself to fully experience love have caused her to emotionally protect herself.

Maybe she has built so many emotional walls that she can’t really access her own feelings right now.

But that’s only my interpretation. I don’t want to put words in her mouth or tell her what she is actually feeling.

So I’m really hoping to hear from people who have experienced something similar.

Has anyone ever been in a situation where their partner suddenly said that their romantic feelings were gone, despite the relationship previously being very loving and having serious future plans?

And more importantly: Did those feelings ever come back?

Were you able to save the relationship and reignite the romantic connection?

Was taking a relationship break helpful, or were there other things you wish you had tried first?

I’m not looking for blame or comments like “just break up.” I know that I can’t force someone to have feelings for me.

I just don’t want to give up on us. I want to fight for this relationship, but I also want to do it in a way that doesn’t pressure her.

I’d really appreciate hearing from people who have been in a similar position and what helped — or what didn’t.

TL;DR:

After 5 years together and lots of future plans, my partner says she no longer feels romantic love, although she still loves our time together and the way I love her. After several traumatic losses, we’ve decided to take a relationship break. I don’t want to give up on us. Has anyone experienced romantic feelings disappearing like this and eventually coming back?