I am sorry

I looked across the street and I stared at you you were the most beautiful man I had ever played my eyes on you glanced at me and smiled you were with two other people I believe I smiled, and then Shay looked away. You’re headed into the house that I just left. I wondered about you after I left that day. I’ve been alone for so long and I’m at the age where I kind of gave up gave up why I don’t know. I’m quiet, interesting beautiful, mysterious, and I asked the universe. Why is it that I’m always alone and I thought of you for a while and announced to me the next job I went on there you were and you were on the next job in the Next job in the Next job in my work suddenly became focused on seeing you and not my work every Monday and Wednesday and we slowly got to know each other and became friends, but I doubted myself because I’m older he would never like me. I’m not young and beautiful than you told me I was gorgeous and somehow after more than a year become a solidified things I looked up to you. I loved everything about you. Everything you were the missing piece. I thought you must’ve been if the universe at this point is unfolding like this and you feel the same, it must be God said it must be a miracle. It must be right and I stay and it’s complicated. I phrase my child but you’re still raising yours with an ex who is difficult I became friends with her legitimately, caring for her deeply and helping her, but to my avails, she had other motives, and there were some unfairness, and I was the bigger person and figured it out. I stuck through everything with you the best and the worst and I love you deeply. It’s my belief that there’s always one person that makes more than the other and you pick up the slack cause you never want your partner to suffer or to be without and that’s what I did and should this day I believe that I miss you. I wonder if I made the mistake of giving too much making it too easy all these things picking up the slack when you couldn’t work giving you money when you couldn’t afford your rent all of it food things for your kids to make things better so you would feel better so you would feel like you were OK and safe because I loved you so I love you love just doesn’t disappear. It doesn’t just go away and in somewhere and all of this week out fast in your life I came to you because you had children. It was unbalanced, but it was OK things we talk about our future. We are so meant to be the way you would describe things and talk to me. Was it real because in the end I’m wondering, did you love me for me or did you love that I made it easier for you or maybe you loved both of that simultaneously I was drawn to your pain in your dark because I have pain in dark. It was safe to talk about and heal and we did things took forever. It wasn’t normal. It wasn’t easy, but we stuck it out on my values so different than yours. One minute you tell me you love me in the next minute, you’re calling me names because you can’t control your anger and then the next minute you ghost me and the next minute you’re struggling because you feel bad of all the things you said and your profusely apologizing to me and I feel bad because I love you I don’t want you to hurt. I want you to take responsibility for just the things that belong to you not me. Why is it so hard I understand about not having boundaries and how hard it is to establish with people. I understand it all I see myself and you I’m sorry I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry you don’t see me. I’m sorry maybe that your definition of love is different than mine. I’m sorry you don’t know that there’s no wrong or right. I’m sorry you don’t know. Justice is in a competition. There is no winner or loser. I’m sorry you don’t know that your heart is capable of expanding bigger than you can imagine. I’m sorry you don’t know how much I love you and care. I’m sorry you don’t know that your actions can hurt me deeply. I’m sorry if I stayed too long. I’m sorry if I said the wrong things I’m sorry if I helped too much I’m sorry for everything that’s going wrong because I also played a part in all of it, but it was never my intention to ever not be with you I’m sorry you don’t know how beautiful you are. How strong you are how capable you are how smart you are how funny you are and kind you are. I’m sorry you’re so hard on yourself. I’m sorry you struggle so I’m sorry I can’t fix everything for you I’m sorry I can’t make it any easier than I have. I’m sorry I can’t stay anymore. If you don’t make room for me I’m sorry I can’t stay if you treat me badly. I’m sorry for all. I miss you terribly. I do. I miss you every day. I’m not with you you’re my best friend. I’m sorry I don’t know what the solutions are. I’m just sorry.