.

Just random thoughts
Might as well write it somewhere

Maybe i have a selfcentered reason of how I would fall or cherish someone.
Someone who first chose me… and would show interest…
And continuously…
Until my mind cannot deny it, because mostly it says “nah, thats not it, thats coincidence”
Can’t help my heart but consider someone who could make me believe of love.
Because, i just can’t get interested on anyone who doesn’t… like me. Doesn’t care id they’re pretty, or undeniably perfect, besides i’m just simple.

But not sure if it really is that self centered.
Because… when someone could make me believe they have loved me, i have given, and i gave as much as benefit of doubt in the world. My eyes focus on one. And precent myself to see or consider anyone else, as it should be. Persisting, and thinking of only one. And putting that person first before myself. Tayloring plans of the future, and thinking of their well being. Maybe its normal.
But i’ve seen myself too forgiving, and too much benefit of the doubt, and too trying to stay and work things out. With faults of my own of course.
But it would be nice to see someone doing their most as well, to keep us together, talk when i can’t and shy, push when am cautious, open when i can’t… because i too tries to do the same.
And you can’t find the willingness to work it out from someone who doesn’t really want you in their life.

So i can’t just let myself show the love for someone who doesn’t choose me…

Last time,
Someone kept showing up. Someone kept asking for my presence, persisting to make me fall in love, and maybe its not her intention but its what helped.
I felt love in the simple things and effort, it may be nothing to others, it meant being a part of someone’s life to me, as solitary as i am. Letting me know what they do, where they going, before they do, whats happening. I giddy up a bit knowing someone’s day.
To me its like saying, “you can trust me, i’m just here”. Or “you’re not alone”. Or “i miss you”, “only you”, or, “here’s how i am, how are you”… daily without fail.
To me, whose walls would not break from that?

i gave every part of me to someone. As much as i can and even through the little things.
But my heart got tired of believing, and giving the benefit of the doubt.
Even if too many things happened.

But things dried up.
How could it not be?
No longer do i know things. No longer can i say same updates, no longer do i have idea what they’re up to, and to her, letting someone know where you will be, and have been became a chore. A stress.
I received the message.
If its not it, she could have corrected.
And i’ve waited too long.

If i have to chase just to be loved when i was abandoned everytime… it would feel like i’m nothing but a tool. Why cant it be that you choose each other and just not let go? Why do you put all the work to the other and take no accountability on making it work?
No. I cant.

I hear you, when you try to hint something, i think i do get it.
But i’m done with that. I’m done with not seeing and hearing intention.

When i dont bite, it means i’m reserving everything of me for someone who chooses me and won’t let go. The things we for someone we love, we won’t do for a friend.

And i’m stopping myself from biting to being unchosen

Right now, i’ve opened my heart to a new beginning