STBX - Struggling, Lost, Advice needed
I originally posted about an assault and my husband’s reaction. Link at bottom 👇 I’m now dealing with this with the police.
After demanding we go to argue at the store, for not helping me with the assailant. I haven’t really heard from my husband. I told him we need to talk, he fell asleep. Since this he has stayed in London (he works in London & we lived there together).
Background info; I moved out of our home in London to be closer to my mum who had a bad knee for years, this was treated as a pulled muscle. It turned out to be very aggressive rare form of cancer, for which there is no cure. we had separated as we both needed some time but he started to come to where I was everyday after work. He’s stopped doing so now and I only see him once/twice a week. He refuses to speak to me about anything serious.
We had planned for it to be temporary, but we have so many issues;
- We’ve stopped talking, and he is disrespectful when he does speak to me which causes a lot of arguments (he is like this with a lot of people but he treats those closest to him with so much love & care. I used to be the top of that list. I’m now someone he won’t even put his phone down to speak to).
E.g - after my nans funeral, he was angry with me for crying and said ‘it’s over you don’t need to do that anymore’ he then immediately left and went for a night out with his friends.
- he’s jealous and controlling, he’s changed my phone number many times and shutdown all my social media. We’ve moved a few times and I’ve completely lost the majority of my ‘chosen family’. I really need these people at this time but it looks like I cut them out of my life, especially as it’s been years (I got long covid, I was in hospital for two years and it it took me another 2yrs to really recover from the brain damage caused).
He loses his mind whenever a man hits on me.
E.g we were on holiday for my bday (it was also supposed to be a rest for me as I’ve been going through so much). Men kept pulling up in cars and shouting/leering. He shouted at me all for hours, even when we were back at the hotel it didn’t stop. It was ‘my fault’! This happens regularly, we were in a restaurant the week before and a waiter hit on me, my STBX spent the night telling me I’d ordered in a way to make the waiter feel he could. He threw a cigarette end at me outside and wouldn’t talk to me for 3days after.
- our legal marriage is based on a lie. We were married in Croatia, we were in love initially and decided to just get both our families to Croatia and have a wedding, it was very last minute and wasn’t considered a legal in UK. We then married in the UK as he said he’d ‘be deported’…. Border force showed me his file… he has leave to remain in the UK and is eligible for a UK passport but doesn’t want one, this has always been the case and has nothing to do with me, or being married. I’m not in any of files. He had permanent leave to remain all along. We didn’t need to get legally married, it made no difference.
Before the legal marriage I felt the relationship was heading in a bad direction and that we needed a break to re-evaluate whether we should be together. This is when it became urgent that we married, he claimed I was all over his paperwork and why we weren’t married was being questioned in a way that put his position here in jeopardy.
He saved my life… I was very ill, having seizures in which my airways were collapsing and if not for him I wouldn’t be here today. My nan recently passed, she raised me as my mum worked a lot. My nan made me promise I’d stay with him as he’d ’look after me’. He looked after my nan as though she was his own - there are more reasons, and these are BIG things. I felt I owed him stability as he works very hard and has done so much for me and my family. We had conversations prior to the marriage where I made it clear I wouldn’t be staying if things stayed as they were, I would go ahead with the legal marriage but if I did want a divorce he would give me it no questions asked. He agreed to this but then said he’d ‘kill’ me if I even thought about moving on.
I’ve been so isolated - I feel lost
We don’t have any children, I’m now 30 but my fertility is declining.
This was a huge reason as to why I stayed. I was told at 28 that, due to medical treatment I’d received, I would never conceive, if I was to I would need a lot of help. This year I was told I would but those factors mean I don’t have as long as most women and would need help with fertility. The dr said I still have time if I go down the IVF route. He wanted to do this! so I got everything set up, went through all the tests etc, we then had to go in to start the process… He was meeting me there from work, he didn’t show up.
There have been many incidents so disgusting I should have walked out the door and never looked back but my fear of having to start over and it being too late to have a family always stopped me. Now that I’m losing my mum I’m even more afraid. His family have been my support system, my family have been sh**! I only have my mum and not for long.
This man has saved my life, only to destroy it. I’m now financially dependent. I’ve had to give up work as has my mum. He pays for the Houses& Cars etc. & sorts things out. Although he’s stopped being helpful with anything at home as he feels I don’t appreciate him anymore. We’re not friends, we’re not in a relationship and I think he would accept the divorce now. I’m just very scared. I have done all I can to help improve his life but I will be leaving having lost the people that really cared about me, dealing with my mum on my own, never being able to have a family of my own, and not being able to look after my mum physically and financially at the same time.
I can’t cope with these things! I don’t know if it’s better to just leave or if I should get myself into a better position to be able to look after my mum first, the last thing I want is for her to lose her home, and not to be able to do anything about it.
Am I completely in the wrong? should I be trying to fix things as he’s done so much for me? I have tried before but he was stressed and kept getting very nasty and couldn’t be there when I needed him. He’d instead get very mean and make me feel abandoned and a lot worse about everything that’s going on.
Maybe I didn’t try hard enough?
I’m SO lost. I don’t know what to do for the best.
I’ve missed A LOT out as it’s so long already, this details the tip of the iceberg - if you managed to read it all and have any advice thank you.
First Post regarding assault incident -
Posted Sep 5, 2026, 3:54 PM UTC · locked