I think i'm a stalker

Have in mind that i don't know if this is the right place to talk about this or if it's indeed limerence or ocd this is also gonna be very long because i'm autistic i overexplain. I'm a (32 y/o afab) late diagnosed autistic, i have obsessed over other people since i was a kid, i was severely bullied and a loner so i remember fixating on kids i wanted to be friends with or teachers i really liked, at some point when i started finding out about romantic feelings this turned into repetitive thoughts about liking them with boys/men mostly, with girls and women i thought i was jealous or wanted to be like them, later i realised i'm bisexual but i didnt know til my late teens.

I still cannot tell if my obsessions are romantic crushes or not, since my teens i also started thinking everyone liked me or i liked them, it's like a fear i have, people liking me or me liking them romantically or sexually because i don't know what i will do if it happens and it makes me feel embarrassed? I should maybe mention i had a catholic upbringing and i was taught to feel shame over all of this.

The thing is that i dont think it's plain limerence because i have generalised repetitive intrusive sexual and romantic thoughts about almost everyone i meet, and sometimes they're related to inc*st, r*pe, ped*philia or stalking i also have a myriad of intrusive throughts about other things if anyone is wondering but i'm choosing to focus on the sex and romance thoughts because i think they are why i feel like a stalker. It's also implicit i'm a virgin, ive never even kissed or held hands with anyone and no one has ever told me they liked me, like i said i think i'm scared of it despite also being obsessed with it so i run away from most people and situations because i also feel like a freak constantly asking myself if i like everyone or they like me. Since i was around 22 i've been severely depressed and suicidal i abandoned everything i tried to pursue that required contact with others partly because of these thoughts and problems with my autism that i didnt realise yet. I dont have studies past highschool and i have never worked. When i was in my late 20s i plucked the courage to go to some free workout classes, i ended up obsessing over the teacher after a couple classes it got so bad that i left it but kept thinking about him for like a year, around this time i also felt way more sexual and started having even more sexual thoughts watching p*rn and m*sturbating when i didnt use to do it before, my solution to this was get on the dating apps to forget about this guy and maybe finally have sex to put a rest to these thoughts, it obviosly went very badly for me i only wemt on one date that tried to kiss me 3 times and made me feel disgusted. i ended up obsessing over some different guy from the apps that had his intagram linked, i snooped a lot just from his instagram i figured out we were from the same country and city and shared special interests, i even thought we shared acquaintances so i hoped we would match, i even googled him, saw his linked in too and sent him a dm on instagram before he even matched me, i was already ashamed that i had gone this far and feeling like a stalker with no boundaries so i blocked him on insta but kept unclocking to check it. He ended up matching me on the dating app, 3 times, talking a little and ghosting me or not replying to me the 3 times, i definitely came on too strong and scared him all the 3 times but i couldnt figure out what the protocol for this was, if he didnt want to talk to me why did he match me 3 times? maybe he wanted sex and i did too, i thought, i just had to say the right things for him to meet me or ask me out, i was already delusional in thinking this given my social and sexual problems, the 3rd time i got angry i told him a bunch of things, some which i dont remember that i had chased him that he owed me an apology, i sent him my insta and my number if he changed his mind?, i told him i was autistic i kept sending him messages for a couple days? some apologizing because i realised all i was doing was really wrong and if a guy did it to me i woukd fike a restraining order, i came off like a total psycho, he never blocked me just never replied but i think he read them, after a while i tried to match with him a 4th time? thank god it never happened i think i sent him another message apologising but i deleted the app and hope he never saw it. This happened over the span of a year and a half i think, now its probably been 2 years and i havent stopped thinking about him and what i did, i still checked his instagram until he locked it one day. This makes me feel like a terrible person that shoukd be in jail or a mental hospital, i go to therapy and a psychiatristand i tell them everything about this, im medicated, they have also changed my medication for this because i was so obsessive and suicidal, it hasnt really gone away i still think about it multiple times each day and my brain is still thinking sexual and romantic thoughts about almost everyone else new i meet no matter how innapropirate i think him locking his insta an dme being too embarrassed to go back to tge apps helped and im SLIGHTLY less dilusional about it now but i still fantasise about running into him and him liking me, i still feel like a criminal and cry about it daily i i try to read about ocd, autism, limerence and stalking to try to find an explanation and how to get better but i still think i'm a terrible person that doesn't get consent and boundaries, i've never nothing else apart from googling, checking his insta and all of those horrible messages i sent him back then so i try to tell myself im not as bad as people that follow others but its not very reassuring. My therapists tell me its normal which i cannot believe, they take importance out of it or change topics but i fear its all lies, and im realky unwell, the advice people often give is start new hobbies you like, meet new people and none of them work because my autism is very disabling and im experiencing a significant skill regression, i can barely leave my house or be in social spaces becaus eof the noise, lights, smells and fear of people, im still trying though ive recently started going to fisiotherapy bc i need it for my scoliosis and i find myself also having thoughts about liking and obssesing over my fisiotherapist, i cant ever rest from this my brain is too much.