I wasn’t fair

It wasn’t fair what you did to me.

It’s painful to know myself, to know that I was so desperate to feel that I had a place to belong when I had yet to ever have that. It was not fair the way you were always behind the scenes hurting me. How I wish I was sent to the past before I could breathe and stay silently lost in ever feeling so helpless to be in such a terrible place.

I was grasping for life and you just wasted no time in being there sure reason I was unable to be there for myself I could have made that my life in that instead you used it to god only fucking knows what intention you even had. It was all a sick joke just like I knew it had to be.

But I would have died for one person to fucking let me be allowed to live without being told that I’m the reason life is so fucking god awful.

When it’s every mountain I climbed every tree I fell out of every dream I ever had that I could fucking be something

To someone for once that was supposed to keep me from drowning in the tank I was helplessly fucking drowning in.

You never fucking gave me the chance to do anything it was like you were my next fucking grim reaper there fucking lying through your teeth letting me fucking believe that I was finally going to be able to get the fucking begging and begging fucking needed fucking help

How many days I wasted lost in my fucking own mind replaying the failures you all made me out to have how I could have saved myself from the wounds that are so far severed open. How I felt the world was on fire and I would have been able to save myself from this horrible place I would not be able to escape when you decided to fucking push me down into hell and close the fucking trap door to please whatever you have been doing to me.

HOW I FUCKING DESERVED TO LIVE YET YOU ONLY MADE SURE I DIE HOW MUCH I FEEL DEARLY FUCKING ROBBED OF MY OWN SANITY HOW YOU DID THIS FOR YOU AND IN THE PROCESS I LOST KY FUCKING SANITY

HOW MANY YEARS I HAVE BEEN TORMENTED JUST TO FINALLY GET THE SECOND TIME FATAL BLOWUP TO THE FUCKING ALREADY BROKEN FUCKING WORTHLESS MIND

HOW I FUCKING NEVER HAD TO DO ANYTHING TO BE REAL WITH YOU

HOW MUCH OF A FUCKING BARGAIN I WAS FOR EVERYONE ELSE TO SAY AND BLAME IT ALL ON.

How crazy was not where I was going but now it’s all that’s left of me you of course had to fucking decently well fuck my own ability to make decisions and turned my fucking stable parts of me and stuck a bomb to my heart to say look how beautiful she looks before she died

As you left me all alone

Now I question the only thing I can and how unfair that it’s the way I have to hurt myself to get it off of me

How I fucking never fucking ever wonder why people don’t just say that they don’t want me when they needed to

Break my heart and I could feel it in my soul but you did worse by not letting me know what this was and that I was just never going to be the one that you wanted fuck it and I hope the worlds most beautiful lucky day can fucking come this way because fuck I have never been more ashamed to have had a heart and brain and for fucking fucks sake I can’t believe I got this much of my own time spent with this idea that I could be better and better and better and better that I have this fucking endless despair of YOU FUVKING KILLED ME WITH MY OWN FUCKING MIND GOD FUCK HOW IT WORKS TO BE THE SAME THING THAT I HAVE BEEN NEVER FUCKING WANTED SO

GET THE FUCKING SHIT OVER MY HEAD LIFE FUCKING TAKE ME OUT NO FUCKING SPACE I FEEL ABLE TO DO ANYTHING AGAIN

I HURT MORE NOW THAN IT WOULD HAVE BEEN IF YOU OR HER COULD HAVE JUST TOLD ME THE TRUTH FUCKING GOD HOW AWFUL I THREW THINGS AWAY FOR YOU OVER AND OVER JUST TO BLEED INTO MY MIND FUCKING FAILURE IS BIG UGLY FACT I CANT EVER ERASE FROM ME SO I HATE IT HERE GO TO THE MOON BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO GET TO ME

HOW FUCKING STUPID I LET YOU IN