Bf passed away, after I broke up. Devastated. Numb.

Was in a relationship for 5 years, it was toxic , his bad mental health ruined a lot of beautiful things we could have had. His high libido and my low libido was a point of fight a lot between us. We broke up due to it on the 29th. And on the 30th, he hamged himself. He was just 24. He told me his first attempt was when he failed in maths in first standard. He would always feel like doing it over smallest of things. I can't believe I'm writing this. He had attempted many times before but failed. Would always say "I will have one successfull attempt some day, and I don't want you to see it, please leave me, don't stay in this toxic mess". But I always stayed. Because I knew the day I leave, might be the day he attempts again. Our last fight was because he did some double meaning jokes and I didn't understand them (I was dealing with my own personal things at home and was feeling very low and he knew it) . He fought over it, saying "I didn't sign up for this, you cannot book me for marriage and treat me however you want just because you had a bad day". I was completely broken on hearing how he treated my tough times. And I told him, this time I'm not coming back ever.

Tried calling him after that, till today, and today I found out. Both of our parents don't know of the relationship, I'm feeling a very strong guilt. I'm not crying, not feeling any tears or grief till now, emotions and body are very numb. Hands and legs feel very heavy. I always wanted to see him grow. Would always tell him, you will look so handsome in white hair. I don't know why but after talking to my friends, I am feeling very rational about it. He was diagnosed with severe OCD and anxiety. He told me unaliving him felt like a compulsion to him sometimes.

I don't know how to feel going ahead. It's already been 6 days and I'm finding out today. Please keep commenting on this post so I have something to do, read the comments. I don't want to sleep with this thought.