I think im fucking cooked. I did not make any friends during my entire highschool experience. I did not have "peers" I hung out with. My closest friend is 27. No matter WHAT I can not fucking make friends my age and im so humiliated.

I tried. I tried everything these 3 years. I showed people my art and writing, which people, especially my teachers said I was very good at. My teachers always called me special, in fact.

I talked to people first. I approached them. I only got laughed at. But no matter WHAT. I feel fundementally disconnected from people around my age. This is the most vulnerable thing ive ever shared, and the most embarassing thing ever. Because how can I express how different I feel without sounding like someone trying to boast about being different? Oh, look at me. Im not like other teenagers, guys!

Theres nothing to boast about when the last 5 years of your life was spent in crippling, friendless solitude. My last true friend was in grade 7. In EVERY SINGLE CLASS, I SIT NEXT TO NOBODY. I cant take the same stale advice telling me to do x or y. I did.

Im a 16 year old girl turning 17 this year. I can not make friends with most girls. For the love of me, I cant. Im not into boys. Ive never been attracted to anyone male in my entire life save for a few cartoon crushes that stopped when I was 10. Im not into fashion. I dont even know what a lip gloss is. I never wear makeup. In fact I despise looking in the mirror and seeing my feminity. All the girls in my school talk about is wanting to be more feminine, meanwhile I spend every waking moment wishing my bone structure was more masculine. I wish I was tall, had broad shoulders and a deeper voice. NO GIRL HAS EVER RELATED TO THIS. And the last time I voiced about how I didnt like looking like a girl?- I got called a misogynist.

Im into stuff that boys tend to like, like model kits. So make friends with boys, right? Haha, no. All the boys I see in my school are racist and sexist. Or they have a crush on me which make me uncomfortable, again, because I'm not into boys. Or, they'll downrignt SEXUALLY HARASS ME. I do not feel safe around boys.

I dont feel safe around girls either, because they will gossip about me.

I hate phrases like "teenage hood is the time to do dumb shit and grow with your friends!" Okay, ive done the dumb shit, but where the hell do I get the friends? Why am I so different Ive tried and failed again and again to secure one person who cares about me enough? Why the hell have so many adults told me, in my face, that i am indeed different from most teenagers? Where was MY teenage hood? Everyone my age wants to cut others at the throat.

"But youre so good at art or writing or x-" AND WHERE ARE MY FRIENDS?

Please tell me this gets better in adulthood.

TLDLR: lol im edgy and very lonely and I think that im different and everyone else tells me the same