I wanna die

I’m 17F, in the last 3 weeks, I’ve OD 3 times been to the ED twice and got sent home both times. I’m gonna kms nest Tuesday, I bought 80 pills I’ve had this plan for a while now. Anyways before I go I thought I might just share a bit abt my story.

From a young age I’ve always struggled with my mental health, it’s never been good as I grew up being bullied at school. My home life isnt the best either and I’ve pretty much raised myself, growing up alone. Ive never had an amazing relationship with my parents, and i at constant war with them.

Then high school came and I made some great friends yet this feeling of just self hatred never really went away. Ive wanted to end it a lot of times in year 10 and I honestly never imagined myself turning 18.

Last year I was groomed by a teacher I trusted, and honestly, I still struggle to understand everything that happened. At the time, I didn’t fully recognise it as grooming. I trusted this person and cared about them, so looking back now is incredibly confusing. One of the hardest parts has been the self-blame. I keep thinking about things I said or did and wondering if I somehow encouraged it or should have known better. I know logically that being groomed can make you feel responsible for things that weren't your fault, but emotionally, I still struggle with that. At the time, I felt like I had finally found someone who I could tell anything too, someone who actually loved me and cared for me. And I just feel so guilty for reporting him because we had some great memorie togethe. I also feel like a slut for ever being with him and doing the stuff that I did because he had a wife and a newborn baby at the time. He asked for photos, I sent them, he touched me, but I let him. It felt like he was my best friend yet I’ve had to report him to the police because I can’t let him do this to another student and I can’t let his wife and child never know about what he did to me.

Simultaneously, I am meant to be going through the hardest year of my high school life, year 12 . I can’t even function at school anymore, I’m always self harming in class and I just feel so bad at school. So unsafe and scared and panicky. The worst part for me is that I’m a good student, I’m predicted a high ATAR score and my teachers expect great things from me. But I can’t deliver because I am just in a constant state of panic, like my chest is constantly tight and my hands are super shaking. I feel like I’m constantly being watched and stared at and the voices in my head are going crazy.

The support I’ve been given in Australia has been minima. I literally told the nurse after my 3rd OD that I’d do it again and he told me to just go home. I feel like everything is just a dream and I’m living a game, a really sick and horrible game. I want to end this game. A part of me wishes this feeling would just go away but I know it won’t.

Now everyone knows all my secrets and I feel like I have no control over what will happen next. I just really want to die and leave this life behind.