tell me if i am

Hi 21F, premed. I don’t know if I was depressed in high school and suppressed it. Outside i look happy and have everything that i wanted. My family did not lack financially but maybe emotionally a little. They are there for me but we aren’t really that close. I really want to seek for professional help but i don’t have the funds and i don’t think my parents would support that idea. I tried opening up to them but i don’t think they are taking it seriously. They keep blaming my discipline, not having a healthy lifestyle or it’s normal to feel sad you’ll get over it. During high school i have this unhealthy mindset “we are going to die anyways”. This college that mindset progresses like in hypothetical situations given to me my first thought would be death. I wasn’t concerned at first, i thought it was normal until someone pointed it out.

I remember when the first time i didn’t feel any joy. I was 14 sleeping beside my mom and told her i wasn’t happy in a long time. I don’t think she took it seriously but i didn’t know how to navigate what i felt. I continue to fake laugh and i do sometimes be happy but only for that moment. The things or activities that made me happy didn’t bring me happiness just numbness. I tried recreating what i was like before. And i feel nothing at all. I do not care what will happen to me. I don’t get scared to having what’s going to happen to me. I just want to end. I don’t have the guts to do it myself. I’m just waiting. Waiting for my turn. Waiting that this will end.

Why do i feel numb? i don’t feel anxiety, happy, sad, just plain numbness. Today i didn’t do anything and I didn’t regret it. An upcoming trip don’t feel the excitement. Material things no joy. Seeing my family i don’t feel anything.

i’m such a horrible person to feel this way.