44 and still not ok

I have been disordered in my thinking. unable to control stress or tantrums. and am regarded as mostly unlikable about 35 of my 44 years. (peers have said to me I am not liked by others in personal and professional settings) I’m a conventionally attractive educated female. no kids. husband. working class. home. dogs. I’ve masked a veneer of normalcy but if you poke it ever so slightly I will erupt. I fall into full blown panic with unstructured time. I cannot socialize even for brief moments. I haven’t celebrated a holiday in my entire life without a breakdown. i functioned better when I was younger. but years of medication have left me twitchy and unable to concentrate. I can barely hold a job. I was lucky to have done many things in my life. but this illness keeps knocking me back on my knees. and my fight is gone.