So I just bought a hardback copy of Shadows upon time.

I hated this book. I loved this book. It broke my heart with a world-shattering profundity that has left a yawning void in my soul. 

One of the reasons I both loved and hated it, was that it ended exactly as Hadrian told us it would.

Now, I know many people have shared their thoughts on the deism in the book (Fomo Momo, former Mormon, here), but I've spent the last ten years studying the following like a scholiast:

* Cognitive Neuroscience
* The Scientific Method
* Epistemology
* Logic and Reasoning
* Cognitive Biases

Dozens of books, hundreds of scientific papers. All for the purpose of "I only want to believe something if I have good reason to believe it". Over time, my confidence in my beliefs waned, my number of certain beliefs decreased, and eventually I had no 100% certain beliefs. I had to live with the greatest fear.

Uncertainty.

There is no god. (Do I have to say "in my opinion" with every phrase?) I cannot say this with 100% certainty. Anyone who says anything with 100% certainty hasn't studied the above enough.  
  
The universe will never fit inside your head.

But I wish there was some demonstrable, reliable, repeatable indication of an existence after this one. That's honestly one reason I LOVE these books. What is a person but a wave of effects through matter and spacetime? Can you pull that wave from the cosmic foam and push it into a new set of particles?

Ruocchio's ideas related to that are the ONLY version of things that give me an INKLING of hope anymore for the potential of a life after this one.

\-

Now, I hated the blatant deism in the book. I won't pretend I know why it's there. (I've heard about conversion experiences?)

This book didn't really create the yawning void in my soul, it just brought it acutely to my awareness. The void that my false religion left in my chest. 

But I do UNDERSTAND the zealotry. Gosh, I frikkin' LIVED that man. The righteous passion of finding a cause and giving yourself completely away to it.

Even more, after all of my studies, I can understand WHY both Hadrian and Ruocchio MIGHT feel the way they do. Elevation emotion, hero/god offloading, the peace that comes with ultimate purpose.  
  
I also know how much it hurts to lose those things.

\-

I bought this book almost as a challenge. I hope, I PRAY that Hadrian lied. That Orphan lives, that the demiurge flies, that Selene is off with Hadrian, that his son is real. That the short story soon to come will bring a whole new light to the final book (and that he'll add it as an epilogue if so hahaha).

But, I will not believe in things just because they make me feel better (like a life after death). I can stand reality, because I am already enduring it. So, if the happier ending isn't true? I'd rather live with the sad reality then fool myself with a happy one. It's easier to deal with reality if you accept it just as it is.

I also bought it because it reminded me of the void in my chest. At unsatisfying endings. At the vain hope of a supernatural force bringing meaning to the world.

I will not run from the pain of "losing" god (at least the idea, can't lose something that didn't exist). I will not run from the pain of unsatisfying endings. I will look at every possible reality, including the one I perceive in front of me, and accept it.

But I do actually enjoy universes that play with how a divine dimension to the universe COULD work. It lets me keep playing with that possibility, without blinding myself to the most likely reality:

There is no preset meaning to the universe, but we get to make our own meaning  
There is no divine agent watching and directing us, but we are agents in ourselves  


Anyway, that's enough philosophical ramblings. Yeah, I know people have shared the same or similar thoughts before. Maybe posting this was just my way of processing.





Me, with Shadows Upon Time: I love this book. I hate this book. This book is awful. This book is amazing.