Comphet / getting this off my chest

I’ve known I was a lesbian since I was 15. I’m 21 now. I grew up in a conservative neighborhood in a progressive city. I grew up seeing many gay people but hearing not the greatest things when around neighborhood people.

I struggle with comphet a lot. I’ve been going to bars for years and each time a man approaches me, I think, “Maybe this is the one.” My mom told me, “Don’t completely close the door,” when I told her I was a lesbian, and it stuck with me. I know deep down that I don’t like men, but part of me hopes for a life that is easier.

I’ve gotten with men more than a few times. The most recent was in the spring, which I feel guilty for due to knowing who I am for a while. I never enjoyed it, but kept doing it. It sounds sick and I’m disgusted typing this out but I don’t know what to do.

I’m going to bring this up during my next therapy session, but I wanted to ask lesbians:
Have you felt this way before? How did you learn to love yourself?

Thank you.