I don’t feel that I have a life.

(tw: suic*dal ideation)

I was raised Muslim but had a winding road before coming back to Islam; this is the only space I resonate with and trust.

As of late I’ve been having suic*al thoughts. I had a rough childhood, and lost all my teenage years and early adolescence. I’m 27, and still haven’t begun to live.

I was okay moving beyond this, if I could start somewhere and build up a life slowly. but some recent things that have happened have knocked me down, and began that grieving process all over again.

I find it so incredibly unfair that I didn’t have a safe loving childhood and didn’t experience being a teenager and young adult.

At this point, I can go against my faith and live like everyone else does. I can try to catch the last falling pieces of my 20s, I have opportunities to and a pull too.

Or I can choose not to and watch the last of my twenties die. If I were close to God or something, that’d be something. But this whole ordeal and my poor mental health has messed me up so much, I can’t bring myself to pray, I do istighfar and even then I struggle with feelings of unfairness. I’ve lost the motivation to live, and I neglect my self-care.

I see others, non-believers, around me living joyfully and chances of such a life are sitting in my lap too, except I would be going against my deen.

But what kind of Muslim am I in this state too?

I think about death, and where I may end up. I have suic*dal thoughts and yet, I cannot go through with that (once again because of my faith).

I am not living, I’m not hayy (in the spiritual sense); I feel cut off from life and also from God, and yet my hands are tied when it comes to ending my life. It’s as if every avenue is a dead end, I’m between a rock and a rock.

The only result may be that I will spiral and lose my mind, or eventually die from some illness due to my neglect of my health.