why do i still care about her

before you assume or ask, no she wasn't my girlfriend. Also i'm pretty sure she goes by he/him pronouns now but im genly uninvolved and idk so i'll just refer to them as they/them

yea i've mentioned this particular friend before, finally time for the full story though.

This is gonna be a long one, woo. So we go back to like idk... February-May i genly have no idea atp

i wanted my own google account because i often called my friends on google meet each night. Especially since i had previously gotten grounded for a good two weeks for getting discord without telling my parents. Anyways, my mom said not yet. Bruh. So i did what any dumbass would do, ask my friend who had a phone to do it. So i was on call with my two friends, R (the main subject of the story) and M. I asked M to help make me a gmail account. He complied, so win but also lose, i wish he said no to stop me, i wish i wasn't such a fucking loser. I wanted the gmail for many purposes, but days later, i had a simple but horrible thought in hindsight. "Why...why not get discord again?" So i did just that. That right there. That was the beginning. One day, about a week or two later, it was nearing the end to my last school year of elementary school. Starting early in orchestra i think, my friend r kept calling me gay and i was annoyed by it so much. Looking back, i did not need to get so mad but it was definitely annoying still and bothering me. They could see that, so we were both in the wrong. On discord that night, they kept saying it and.. Idk, i just snapped. I was out of my mind, but i can recall i said many horrible things that i most definitely wouldn't have in real life. they got truly mad at me, and i simply sent an image of godzilla-cheeks, generally ragebaiting them. Long story short, i was blocked. It was that day or a few days before i was looking for object shows to voice act in since i had free will with my new gmail and could be on youtube stuff (which was one reason i wanted a gmail, to have a yt channel) and found this server with some really cool, nice people. It was a simple bfdia what if season, "BFDIABACJ" (bfdia but anyone can join) and there was a poll including anyone from all time in bfdi, and then the top 44 joined. We later changed the name to bfdiab44j. There's also a reason i gave so much info there. Anyways, i was DMing the owner of the server, ashley (which is what they go by now, but then it was nightmare) about the whole situation, and we laughed about it. I was truly carefree that day, but that night, i was laying in bed and reflecting. "They actually seemed mad at me. Did i go too far?" (Not telling what i said because as mentioned it was incredibly bad and rude and i don't wanna lose your guys' support but i DID) the next day, yea, they were fucking pissed. That went on for about half a week and i even left artclub (which was a thing we did on tuesdays and thursdays during lunch where we could chill in the art room and do any art stuff) because i didn't wanna be near them. I just layed in the grass field that day. Then, after lunch, they apologized. I said i needed a second to apologize as well, and they said, "do guys always have trouble apologizing?" (Not always but mostly YES) i later found the strength to apologize and we were friends again. We had one more little stupid argument and then one faithful day at recess. For a long time, they have been depressed. Talking about suicidal stuff all the time, crap like that, and i saw her side sometimes. They would crap on her parents cause they were being bitches sometimes (their dad is fucking crazy man, ​they once told me their dad said if i ever came over to hang out and swim, he would drown me) anyways, they also had very sensitive ears. Commonly you would see them wearing noise cancelling headphones, or covering their ears. Before the discord thing we were in the peak of our friendship. Best friends i would say. They would often say stuff like, "you can never get rid of me, i'll follow you everywhere ^_^" or shit like that, and after the first little squabble they said, "told you you couldn't get rid of me." Anyways, it was deteriorating. This recess, which i know took me so long to get to the point, but my friend who we'll call C makes loud noises a lot. He's currently my best friend. But anyways, they got mad at him and they had a full blown argument which i tried my best to stay out of, even though i was sitting right next to them. They got really angry, went over to a corner, and started crying. Their friends obviously went over and sat with them. I went up to them and said, "you ok?" ... "Go away." So i did just that. They sat at a different table at lunch, obviously and i was kinda sad because we just went from best friends to, i had no idea what was next. They barely talked to me the rest of the school year, and i was so confused because it was so sudden and i had no idea why she was mad at me. I had no idea ever what i could have done to get her so angry with me at all. I always thought it was how i approached her, if i sounded demeaning or belittling, or rude. But that was wrong. My other friend who we'll also call R, he kept saying shit to them because he knew how much i still wanted to be friends with them, but he made me sound fucking desperate and i hated that. Anyways, the entire summer they was sending me corny shorts and gmails. Then, just then, in july. "Happy fourth of july, bitch." and i simply replied "dude, what is your problem with me? I have no idea what you're so angry with me for." And they said "sorry" just sorry. No explanation. Before the next part, that summer i found this cool show called 'see something? Say something!' And joined the server. I was barely active there, but a certain server in the self promo channel caught my eye. "TRD | The Red Dimension" i met some of my best online friends there. I helped make almost all the assets and, being one of the first people to join, was quickly promoted to CO OWNER. it was sick. Spark, the owner, was really nice. TRD was sadly cancelled recently though, after everything started deteriorating there. I quit voice acting as one of the most important characters in the show, and another, because i was starting to realize the toll of my actions. If anything i'm in gets somewhat popular, i was irrationally paranoid my parents would eventually stumble upon it and find me out. So i deleted my youtube account and retired from that show. Then, the animators werent getting their scenes done, so spark decided to cancel it and make a new show. Since then, i havent talked to them much. I miss them. It was so bittersweet watching that go, because i had so many happy and bad memories there. I would wake up every morning at 10 from going to sleep at like 4 and immediately hop on discord and talk to them. I was constantly thinking of the future, where i will eventually be inevitably caught. Anyways, now im in middle school. R is in my class, and i hear them mumbling about me to their friends. On the first day while we were practicing opening our lockers, i heard straight from their mouth, "dude, spencer's in my class." Like bitch i can hear you. In the moment, i hated them but missed them. They stay as far away from me as possible, and i get sad. Recently, in class we were talking about identity. My teacher came up to me and said "so spencer, if i looked at you ID could i tell you're a good artist?" And i said no. Do you know what i fucking heard come from their mouth? They whispered to their tablemate, "he's not." I was so sad for the next, like 30 minutes. One of the things every artist hates to hear is their art is bad. And i wanna let go of them so bad, but its so hard. And i try to get offline, but i would lose all the friends ive made along the way. Here, in funcomunitty, on reddit in general, in bfdiab44j, and trd. Its so fucking hard and i just wish i could go back and stop myself from using that gmail. I wanna be able to leave them, but i dont wanna remember them, because it'll just make the loss harder. I'm so scared.

Thank you for reading this, it took me more than half an hour to write! If you did read this all the way, you're probably the only one lol

apologies if i misgendered them at all, they went by she/her for the longest time