I feel like an unempathetic and selfish monster on most days. I feel like crying whenever I see a homeless person or a stray dog or vulnerable creatures but feel selfish for crying from my high horse cuz like, I’m not the one who’s poor or starving, I’m just staring while I try to make myself feel like I have empathy. My parents bend over backwards for me and even though they’ve done and said cruel shit to me like insinuating I deserve rape and telling me to kill myself, I completely deserved it and I keep making myself the victim here.

I used to vent online a lot and a few rapisty men found me and while none have raped me, I stay with one who blackmails me because he threatens to rape other girls if I don’t and I hate myself too much and feel like too much of a burden to say anything. Besides, he’s got tons of nudes of me and a few videos where he made me hurt myself in sexual areas. For some reason even when he’s threatening me, I feel weirdly safe with him cuz he says nice shit. He thinks he’s some archangel sent to punish me cuz I’m selfish and Ykw he’s right. I am selfish. My parents only became abusive cuz I fuck up so much. It’s all my fault.

I lost my friends bc I’d choose these abusive relationships to cope w the mess in my head and they eventually tried forcing me into therapy without ever bringing it up. Before, though, One even told me where I could find more weirdos online and generally didn’t care whenever I told her about how bad shit was at home. Another said she’d take me back only after I got better.

I wouldn’t do therapy either way cuz I have bad experiences with counselors and authorities in general, but after this? Fuck no.

I guess I’m spiraling right now bc I’m coming back from vacation (visiting my family) and I feel transient. I have no home there, and no home here. I have no home anywhere. I have too many trust issues to trust my friends and I was never and will never be anyone’s first choice. Senior ywar of high school is starting in a few days and I’m ending my primary academic career the same way I started it: alone. I was bullied in pre-k and profoundly alone, like most of my life. I’m not bullied now, but I’m profoundly alone. Different set of friends now, but I used to have 10+ ppl to hit up at any time. Now I have like…4? And only 1 that I trust with most things???? All I have is this man, and every day he grows more and more cruel to me. In a way, though, the cruelty is kind. I long stopped having hope. I want a career and all that but little me wanted a husband and maybe twins and a big house with a lake, some swans, and some deer.

Realistic me will settle for a loft downtown in my city as long as I chase my career and make enough money that loneliness isn’t real. I’ll be okay with dying alone by the seaside. I think that was always my fate.

I really don’t wanna go to therapy please omg