Does it get easier?

I’m a 37yr old man, sitting crying with a bottle of vodka. This is the only way I let my grief show, hidden and away.
Our due date would have been next month, but instead life had different plans. I’m tired of being ok. This hurts.
Twins. How could i cope with one, never-mind two, it was something we laughed about, now i would give anything to hold either of my angels. Walking out of that scan was the worst pain i ever felt.. our future changed, it had gone from rainbows, to something different. Fake smiles now. 6 months later i still struggle, but I hide it. At what point do i accept, when does it get easier?