I've been friends with this girl for almost a decade. From your very first conversation with her, it’s obvious she's all over the place and hard to deal with — that's not new. What I thought as something she’d grow out of, has gotten worse every year. This has caused her a constant cycle of friendship breakups and being single for 7+ years minimum. In the last two years she’s landed on this mindset of "I am what I am, I'm tired of everyone finding something wrong with me" instead of ever stopping to ask why this keeps happening. She's also, genuinely, a good person and a good friend underneath all this, which is part of why this is so hard.

When she comes to me for advice on breakouts with other people, 90% of the time she's the one in the wrong, and it's always the same pattern — she doesn't hear the other person out, just repeats her side over and over, to the point where you wonder if she even read their response. As her friend, I try to offer constructive criticism, but am constantly met with attacks and deflection. Recent example: a guy asked her out for coffee (first date, she doesn't even know him) and she decided that meant he was broke. I told her that's not how that works. After arguments, she'll want to immediately go back to being besties, and when the other person understandably needs a beat, she spirals into insecurity and starts double- and triple-texting them.

Talking to her has become like talking to a wall. You can be mid-conversation, even being vulnerable about something real, and she's clearly not listening — thinking about or doing something else entirely. You end up having the same conversation multiple times because none of it landed the first time. When you point that out, it's "I'm going through a lot." Which, fine, but we're all going through a lot — I am too, which she doesn't ask about. It's very "me me me" lately, and even when I do bring up my own stuff, the conversation gets redirected or just doesn't get any real attention.

A few years ago she moved out of state, which honestly saved the friendship for a while — but it was a band-aid, not a fix. She moved somewhere a lot of people I know have gone as well, and a place where many vacation, including me. I'm in a serious relationship of almost 5 years, and my boyfriend recently surprised me with a week-long trip down there for our anniversary. I told her and offered one day to meet up, since that's what I had. That's when it turned into a whole thing.

She sent an essay about how it felt like I didn't want to see her — "I don't understand why I can't just join you for a day, I don't mind if your boyfriend's there" (never considering she'd be the one intruding on us, not him), "you're coming for a whole week, all you're doing is going to dinner" (a complete assumption, not true). I explained that if I tried to see everyone I know while i’m there, I'd never actually get vacation time with my boyfriend — who himself was working remotely for part of the trip, and she works during the day, so the overlap in our schedules was basically the same small window I already had with him. It took a two-hour back-and-forth of her not engaging with anything I said, repeating the same point, before she calmed down — and that was only once I broke down my entire itinerary for her. Which, in hindsight, felt kind of violating — I don't owe anyone that level of explanation. Especially when my biggest crime is wanting to spend quality time with my man. 

She visits home to see family often, and we always make plans, even though she gives zero notice — it's always a last-minute "I'm coming  X weekend," always a holiday weekend when I'm already busy, and I still make it work (not once has she came and I didn’t see her at some point). This time she said Labor Day weekend, and I told her upfront I was already busy the entire weekend (she'd literally just visited Memorial Day weekend, so it’s not like it’s been ages). She got annoyed and suggested I rearrange plans — with my family, with my boyfriend’s family — "in honor of her visit." I said no. Next day she comes back with "are you sure?" and says she's actually arriving Thursday instead of Friday. I said great, let's do Thursday. Thursday rolls around, her flight gets cancelled, and she has to cancel on me, and then asks if I can see her some other time that weekend — I reiterated that I couldn't and mentioned I was dealing with bad allergies anyway but didn't want to be the one to bail. Received no response.

Then last night she texts to "check how I'm doing." I said “literally terrible.” Her response: "oh wow, good thing you didn't get me sick," followed by a backhanded "oh no, what are you gonna do about all your plans this weekend," plus some petty TikTok reposts. When someone tells you they don't feel well, that is not the response. I told her that wasn’t nice to say, and got the usual "I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking" — she never is. It's always something said or done without a single thought about how it'll land. Then she’ll throw an apology your way and expect you to eat it up and move on that second. 

I don't know who needs to hear this, but everyone has stuff going on, everyone has their own history — but at a certain point, especially by 30, it's on you to actually do the work so you're not offloading your unprocessed stuff onto everyone around you. An apology doesn't undo the pattern if the pattern never changes.

I know this is written with a lot of heat because it's actively happening, but I do still care about her. I don't think it's fair to assume the people around you will just keep absorbing this indefinitely while you opt out of doing any of the work. She's 5 years older than me and got mad at me for wanting quality time with my boyfriend on a trip *he* planned! We’re not in high school anymore. 

I don't want to cut her off completely, but I can't be close with her like this anymore — even in regular conversation, you're never actually being heard. I want to slow-fade into a "reach out if you need me" kind of friendship, but she doesn't seem to know how to not be constantly plugged into me. I already told her directly, after the vacation fight, that I needed space and felt disrespected — that didn't register either

Chirashi as a reward for not losing my mind