I’m struggling with my sexuality and I could really use some advice, I’m super nervous to post this

Hello, luvs.

This is something I’ve struggled with for years now and I keep circling back to this. I apologise if this is long or messy, I’ll try to make it make sense.

I turn 22 next month and I am autistic, high masking and late diagnosed (only diagnosed last year). I have a history of childhood sexual abuse which has made everything to do with people, relationships and myself more difficult than it ever should be. When I was 10, my hypersexuality as a trauma response kicked in, and I was intensely attracted to men, but only sexually/lustfully.

I have put so much thought into it over the years and I don’t know if it’s ever actually had a crush on a man. I’ve never really wanted to date men, I’ve never seen myself having a relationship with a man, I wouldn’t know what to do with it. But I have a lot of sexual attraction, or maybe just lust?? But it’s not that I want to have sex with them, it’s more like I want them to have sex with me, if that makes any sense.

My autism makes it really hard for me to understand how attraction feels in my body. This might sound really stupid, but I’m watching Orange is the new Black on Netflix and Alex Vause is, I think, giving me butterflies. I’ve never felt butterflies for men. When I was between 11-14, I had a crush on my girl best friend, I still think about her a lot. I didn’t actually realise that I liked her until recently, because it never felt like what I was used to with men, that all-consuming desire. It was… softer.

I know that nobody can tell me what I am, it’s something only I can figure out. The thing is… how the fuck do I do that? 😅 I am not someone who hooks up and I don’t have any close friends I can ‘experiment’ with, so I’m really at a loss. And I just hate feeling so unsure, I need to know. Therapy currently isn’t an option for me.

I know that I have a shit ton of trauma around men and that makes it really complicated, and I don’t feel comfortable saying I’m attracted to men if that attraction isn’t necessarily mine. When I think about being a lesbian, I get this internal panic, I feel like I need to scream and deny it. I don’t know if that’s a small bit of internalised homophobia or suppression?

I’m just really confused and I would like some advice, or how y’all knew? I hear all of the time about women who “knew since they were a child” and that makes me feel worse. Are you supposed to ‘just know’ your sexuality really early on??

I apologise if any of this was insensitive, I’m trying not to come across as rude or anything. Thank you x