Exhausted by my mother calling me a fat, ugly, burden (disabled teenager)

I (18F) was diagnosed with JIA at age 6, subsequently I'm in pain 24/7 and struggle to exercise due to the pain. My mother was exceptionally loving and caring and she has done so much for me, especially when I was diagnosed. To this day she goes with me to every doctors appointment and does so much for me. Cooking, cleaning, laundry - even when I say I'll do it, she says no. She still does everything. She is exceptionally kind, loving, caring, and takes great interest in everything I enjoy. That's what makes my head spin.

Ever since I turned 8 she started throwing my JIA in my face, saying my condition lost her her job, how I'm a burden on the family, how I'm purposefully keeping myself sick and refusing to get better. She refuses to believe arthritis doesn't have a magical cure and says I'm lazy, selfish, evil. A few memorable insults are, "I must have committed many sins to have you as my daughter", "You're the child of Satan himself", and "You've been ruining my life." I cried and apologised for being born once when I was 8, and she started crying harder and called me a manipulative brat.

I have also asked her on multiple occasions to take me to a psychiatrist as I believe I have depression. She laughed at me, then screamed at me for pretending to be crazy and said she'll get me locked up in a psycho ward. I honestly do still think I have depression but I haven't bothered after that. Last year she also offered to push me off a building when I weakened and told her I was having suicidal thoughts and said it would make both of us happy if I died.

If I cry in front of her, she either screams at me for crying or starts crying too and says I'm making her miserable. She routinely tells me I am not in as much pain as her (she has no illnesses btw.) When I was 14, I finally asked her to stop saying that as no, she is not in pain like me, and she burst into tears and said I'll never understand how much she's suffering and that she has it much worse than I do.

Recently she's been going off at me for being fat. I am fat and I know, I'm 168cm and 70kg. Both due to taking medication that gives me an increased appetite/general weight gain, as well as being unable to exercise due to the extreme pain I get. My mother asked my doctor to give me Ozempic but he said I'm not obese so I don't qualify, even though she insisted I need it.

She's been telling me to exercise and that I look like a cow, a whale, or a 60 year old fat and saggy woman who nobody will ever want to marry. For reference she is 50kg and has never gone over. She often reminds me that I weigh more now, than she did when pregnant with me. She talks about her colleagues/cousins daughters my age and raves about how skinny and beautiful they are, then loudly complains and cries to my brother about how unlucky she is to have a daughter like me and that I'm abnormal and mentally sick.

She also routinely tells me I'm ruining my body and my life and disrespecting God and He will hate me. Which makes me cry from guilt, she yells at me, the cycle repeats. She then cries and says she’s only helping me and giving me advice. (I am very religious and I love God. Please no attacks towards any religion in the comments.)

I don't even know what I'm looking for here tbh. Maybe someone to tell me this isn't my fault? Because right now I feel like I really am the worst daughter alive. Any weight loss tips? I can't hit the gym but I can do some walking and diet ig. When I tried to ask her, just once, please don't compare me to other girls as I am in a lot of pain, she said I'm an ungrateful brat, using my arthritis as an excuse, and I am lying about the pain. Sick of her calling me a fat ugly pig.