The Bar Exams Reminded Me of Us

Nakakatawa. This is the second time the bar exams reminded me of you… of us. Ang lala lang talaga ng yearning ko kapag bar exam season. Malamang ikaw lang naman natatanging taong na bar ops ko HAHAHA. Ikaw lang rin naman natatanging tao na sinalubong ko nung bar exam mo. I would always remember the way you said “Baby, sa PLE mo ako naman gagawa nitong lahat sa’yo.” and I would laugh. The PLE tradition was nothing compared to the Bar Exams. We both know that. Walang malalakas na tambol kapag PLE. Walang road closures, walang nationwide news, walang mga pulis sa paligid, at walang mga banners mula gate hanggang sa barikada kung saan kapag lumagpas ay hudyat na ng journey ng bar exam. You promised you’d be my one man PLEops team. You promised you’d be the one to give me my dream stethoscope despite having a good one already. You promised you’d give it to me in my favorite color. You promised we’d have the best MD x JD team. You promised me marriage. You promised kids. You promised a future.

Nakakainis. In very few years, ako na yung mag PLE. We had the perfect timeline, you graduated law school the same year I graduated college. We had the perfect gap na ako naman ang mag-aaral para sa biggest exams of my life. Naalala mo sabi mo ikaw mag PLE-ops sa akin kahit na that thing was not a popular jargon in our field. You said you’d be the one with the bouquet of tulips kapag ako na ang nag PLE. I would joke “Sus, baka nasa hearing ka non.” and you would said “Siguro. Pwede. Pero I would make sure my girlfriend will have the best PLE experience because the best girlfriend only deserves the best.” Pero that would never happen.

Nakakalungkot. Pa rin. Nakakahinayang. Pa rin. I was there when you reached your dreams. I would look at our pictures noong law school mo, noong graduation, noong bar salubong, and most especially when you took the oath and signed the roll. I would look at it and smile na “Fuck, I was really present in his journey.” but you? You were never in mine. Not anymore. Not when I was having a hard time surviving the last semester of my 1st year in med school, not when I passed my undergraduate board exams, not when I took multiple remedial exams, not when I failed, not when I got delayed. Not when I needed you. You fucking left, remember? You left, took off, and disrespected me just like that. Ang hirap hirap bumangon sa lahat ng iyon. Ginawa ko dahil you left me with no fucking choice.

Nakakagalit. Sa tingin ko, until now whenever I get reminded of what we had the anger lingers because lover perseveres. Ang lala. Kahit ganoon, kahit nangayari ng lahat ng iyon mahal pa rin kita. Kahit na ginago mo ako putangina, mahal pa rin kita. HAHAHA. Nakakagalit na lang talaga ‘tong katangahan na ito pagdating sa’yo eh. Ang lala. Ganoon kita kamahal? Na kahit isang sabi mo lang mahal mo pa rin ako tatapon ko lahat ‘to. Lulunukin ko lahat lahat ng sinabi ko, hahayaan ko mawala ang ilang mga kaibigan, mapagtawanan kasi pinili kang balikan, lahat… bumalik ka lang. Pero hindi ka bumalik. Hindi ka na ata babalik.

Nakakagago. Hanggang ngayon at marahil sa bawat taong dadaan ang ala ala mo ang dala ng bar exams at ng mga abogado sa bansang ‘to.

Atty., alam kong ang sumpa rin ng pagmamahalang iyon ay ang sumpang hindi mo rin makakaila na ako ang nandon sa lahat ng pagkakataong iyon. I could do it all over again with someone probably. I could listen to recits of somebody again, I could read their long ass digests again, I could attend another graduation, do barops, do the salubong, and find someone else’s name in the roll during the results, call them and be the first person who told them they passed, be present in their oath, but you? You will never have that again. I was there and I hope that would fucking haunt you for the rest of your life. Hanggang sa ang anak mo na ang magbbar. I hope I haunt you too the way you haunt me. This will be our curse. This will be our punishment.

Until we meet again… hopefully never. I hope you get everything and I will never hear about it. I hope you get everything you want and still it will never be enough.

-- Your supposed to be future Doktora